Meet Martinez!!

Bio: Martinez is the newest member of the Rat Bastards. He’s a probationary Rat Bastard which means he has not earned a name yet. Martinez is the name of the Rat Bastard who was killed in combat who he replaced. He doesn’t get his own name until he earns one. Martinez has to endure hazing on a Marine Corps level. He is not allowed to speak unless spoken to, he has to do the bidding of all initiated Rat Bastards, he is not allowed to drink alcohol until he is initiated, absolutely anything a Rat Bastard may want, it is his responsibility to provide. Martinez specialty is close quarters combat. He kills most efficiently with his own two hands.

Since Martinez is basically the team’s bitch, he is not permitted to fill out his own bio. Horndog has graciously offered to do it for him.

Character Bio Questionnaire

Name:  Nancy McSissyboy

Rat Bastard Name: I cried like a little girl when I found out the best Bastard name had already been taken. Horndog gets all the ladies, all the cool names, all the cherry assignments, he’s pretty much my idol in every way. I’d pay to be Horndog’s bitch, but he won’t take me.

How did you get your Rat Bastard name?  I will never be worthy of a Rat Bastard name. Excuse me for a minute. I need to get a tissue to sop up all these tears.

 Occupation: Laundress, waitress, maid, human shield.

Relationship Status: The one I want won’t have me. Why Horndog, why do you deny me?

Age: 295 months

Hair Color: Dark brown. You know, the color of a blood clot when it dries in the sun.

Eye Color: Purple, I’m 80% fairy.

Height: Two inches shorter than the giraffe at the zoo.

            

Weight: I’m around 280, but I wish I looked more like Horndog. Horndog has a perfect body.

Motto: If it cries, cuddle it.

 

Distinguishing Marks:  I have the cutest little dimples ever!

Favorite Weapon: I would NEVER touch a weapon. Weapons are icky.

Best Friend: I don’t have friends, but I do have people I stalk.

Worst Enemy: Spiders! They come after me all the time. I have to call Horndog to kill them. He never comes.

Last Song Played On My iPod: It’s Raining Men by The Weather Girls

Favorite Movie: A Boyfriend for Christmas

Favorite Quote: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. -Unknown

Last Facebook Post: Can anyone bring me some Midol?

Ten things you should know about Me:

10. I shave every hair off my entire body every day.

 

9. Heels make my legs look sexy.

 8. I look like an upside down triangle. I wish I had a Marilyn Monroe figure.

7. I earn extra money testing breast implants.

6. I get my roots done every month.

5. I can put down an entire pan of brownies in under thirty minutes when I’m PMSing.

4. I cry at weddings, funerals, births, and at the opening of the Nordstrom Semi-Annual Shoe Sale.

3. Spanx are my best friend.

2. I have crocheted a sweater for every single Rat Bastard in a shade that best brings out their eyes.

1. I buy all my unmentionables at Victoria’s Secret.

Meet Doc!

Bio:  Doc is the team’s medic. The Marine Corps does not have medical staff so Doc is technically a Navy Corpsman. Don’t ever say he’s not a Marine. The Rat Bastards will kick the crap out of you. To them, he is all Marine. Doc is very cerebral. He does not speak often, but when he does, people listen. Doc is the heart of the team. He’s the medic, therapist, mother, father, best friend, and confidant of the Rat Bastards. The only Rat Bastard who knows more about the other Bastards is Shooter. Doc is unfailingly honest. If he promises to keep a secret, he doesn’t tell anyone. Doc is the only Rat Bastard who refuses to use offensive language. He feels that the only reason people use curse words is because they lack the vocabulary to express themselves appropriately. He isn’t pretentious and he doesn’t look down on his Bastards for swearing, he just chooses not to. Doc is extremely kind. Whenever the team has to deal with women, children, or anyone who is scared or feeling threatened, they send in Doc. He has an amazing ability to make people feel at ease around him. The Bastards have a deep love and protective nature for Doc.

Character Bio Questionnaire

Name:  I have taken an oath not to divulge my name.

Rat Bastard Name: They have given me the name Doc.

Navy Corpsman motto:
"Until they are home,
No man left behind."

How did you get your Rat Bastard name? I am not a physician. I'm a Navy  Corpsman. I have received extensive training to administer to battlefield wounds, but I am not above asking for help when I am faced with something that lies outside my scope of practice.

Occupation: Navy Corpsman, Operative for Archer International, Medic, Therapist, Dietician, and Priest (in practice, not name).

Relationship Status: I am not currently attached to anyone. There is someone I’d like to be attached to, but I don’t date patients. 

Age: 33

Hair Color: Black

Eye Color: The color of port.

Height: 6’3”

            

Weight: 225. I used to be much smaller, but I started working out with Shooter and Martinez and, well, you can’t help but grow around those two.

Motto: Primum non nocere, Above all, do no harm.

Distinguishing Marks:  I have a scar that I am not permitted to disclose.

Favorite Weapon: A suture kit. My contribution to the team is keeping them in the fight.

Best Friend: Yvette Benoit

Worst Enemy: I try not to make them, but in my line of work they are inevitable.

Last Song Played On My iPod: I Would Die 4 U by Prince

Favorite Movie: Star Wars. I’m a closet sci-fi geek.

Favorite Quote:  It’s not a quote, it’s a poem.

Invictus

By William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

 

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate.

I am the captain of my soul.

Last Facebook Post: Taught Sam to whistle today. There is nothing as satisfying as teaching a child.

Ten things you should know about Me:

10. As a medic I am prohibited from engaging the enemy except in the defense of myself or my patients. You can shoot at me all you want, but shoot at my patients and you will earn a one way trip to paradise.

9. I speak Latin. As a language it’s dead, but it’s still relevant.

 8. I will listen to you complain about your girlfriend, your CO, your friends, and battle fatigue. In the end, I will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.

7. I would never intentionally harm someone, but if you say PTSD isn’t a real disease, I will light you on fire.

6. If you hurt a child or a woman, I will surgically remove your favorite appendage.

5. I can put a body back together, but I just don’t understand an engine. I leave all car maintenance to Yvette.

4. Yvette and I are NOT sleeping together.

3. I can find good in almost everyone, even Hell Kat.

2. I know when you’re hurting. I will insist you do something about it. If you need to talk, I’m here. If you need an injection of morphine, I’m here.

1. I love the Rat Bastards. You can’t serve someone and not end up loving them.

*You may have noticed a lack of funny in this bio. Doc is shy, quiet, and thoughtful. The Rat Bastards did not step in to give him a more entertaining bio. Doc has stitched their guts back in on the battlefield. Doc is more than respected, he is revered.*

Meet Tongue!!

Tongue

Bio:  Tongue is the translator of the group. He is extremely intelligent. He speaks Arabic, Farsi, Persian Dari, and Hebrew, among others. Tongue is the only Rat Bastard whose real name we know from the beginning. Tongue is Hell Kat’s big brother. He loves his sister to bits and pieces, but has a  hard time adjusting to her secret life as an assassin. He and Shooter are the only people who can get away with calling Hell Kat, Kitten. They have a great relationship, but that doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy teasing the crap out of one another.

*Author’s note: Hell Kat refused to let Tongue fill out his questionnaire and hand it in without her approval. It has something to do with Tongue disclosing sensitive, embarrassing teenage years’ secrets. So, as a compromise I’m allowing Hell Kat to sit in while I interview Tongue.

Character Bio Questionnaire

Name:  Tyler Wallace. Thanks a lot Kitten for taking all my mystery away.

              Hell Kat: You didn’t have any mystery to begin with.

              Tongue: Uh-huh. I have mystery. There’s stuff you don’t know about.

              Hell Kat: Like what? That you have dreams about being a princess.

              Tongue: Not cool Kitten. I had that dream once, years ago. Not freaking cool.

Rat Bastard Name: Tongue

How did you get your Rat Bastard name? I speak in tongues. I know you were all hoping I possess some mythical erotic talent, and I do, that’s just not how I got my name.

            Hell Kat: Oh please, get over yourself.

            Tongue: I have talents you can only dream of.

            Hell Kat: K, EW! You’re my brother for crying out loud!!

Occupation: Marine, Rat Bastard, Kitten’s go to guy for pretty much everything.

            Hell Kat: My go to guy for everything? Like what?

Tongue: Please, like shuttling Sam all over the place before Switch stepped up. That whole messy business with your partner she devil in Missouri. Do I need to go on?

Hell Kat: Shut up.

Relationship Status: I’m not in a relationship. I refuse to spend money on another man’s future wife. When I find the woman of my dreams I’ll be in a relationship. Until that day, well, that’s why God invented single’s bars.

            Hell Kat: How do you plan on finding the woman of your dreams if you don’t date?

            Tongue: The same way you found Shooter.

            Hell Kat: Oh, OK, I’ll just send some psychopath after you and hire a bunch of mega-

   watt  hot killer chicks to protect you.

Tongue: That would be AWESOME!! You really are the best sister ever. When can expect them?

Age: 32 

Hair Color: Dark reddish brown. Kind of like Kitten’s, but I wear it better than she does.

            Hell Kat: The hell you do. And it’s called auburn genius.

            Tongue: The only Auburn I know has a rivalry with Alabama.

            Hell Kat: You’re an idiot.

Eye Color: Green like Kitten’s.

            Hell Kat: Look at that, genetics at work. Too bad you didn’t get my brains.

            Tongue: I don’t need your brains, I’ve got my own. And my brains won’t let me run headfirst into a firefight just so I can get myself stabbed.

            Hell Kat: That’s because your brains are a bunch of cowards.

            Tongue: No, my brains just heed the advice of my self-preservation instinct.

            Hell Kat: So, your brains would let Shooter get killed?

            Tongue: No, I just wouldn’t end up getting stabbed in the process.

            Hell Kat: My brains can still kick your brains’ ass.

Height: 6’2”

            Tongue: What? No idiotic response.

            Hell Kat: Nope.

            Tongue: Good.

            Hell Kat: Except that you’re actually 6’1 ½”

            Tongue: No, I’m not.

            Hell Kat: Yes you are.

Weight: 180, solid muscle.

            Hell Kat: Hey, do you still do that thing where you stand in front of the mirror flexing in your tighty whities?

            Tongue:  I don’t know what you’re talking about.

            Hell Kat: Sure you do. Remember, with the He-Man underwear and you’re all trying  to look tough in the mirror. I think I have pictures somewhere.

Tongue: I hate you right now.

Motto: Come after me, and I’ll sick my sister on you.

            Hell Kat: That is the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.

            Tongue: You’re welcome.

Distinguishing Marks: None.

            Hell Kat: Not true! You have that scar on your right butt cheek where you sat on a lit fire cracker.

            Tongue: As I recall, you put the fire cracker under my butt.

            Hell Kat: *laughing* I know. You cried like a little girl.

            Tongue:  I really hate you right now.

Favorite Weapon: My tongue. Words are powerful.

            Hell Kat: Please don’t embarrass me. Your tongue, really, that’s what you're going with?

            Tongue: Unlike some people, I try to avoid death and dismemberment.

            Hell Kat: You mean unlike cool people.

            Tongue: Yeah, all the cool kids are engaging in torture these days.

            Hell Kat: Please change your answer.

            Tongue:  No.

            Hell Kat: You suck.

Best Friend: Shooter.

            Hell Kat: What’s all this man love for Shooter?

            Tongue:  Uh, he’s only the best friend a guy could ever have.

            Hell Kat: Yeah, well he’s not available so keep it zipped up.

            Tongue:  Not a problem.

Worst Enemy: Right now, my sister.

            Hell Kat: I take it back, that is the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.

            Tongue:  Shut up, I’d like to get this over with.

Last Song Played On My iPod: Savin’ Me by Nickelback.

            Hell Kat: Are you sure?

            Tongue: Yeah.

            Hell Kat: OK, but I heard you singing Bootylicious in the gym this morning.

            Tongue: No you didn’t.

            Hell Kat: Yes I did.

            Tongue: No, you didn’t.

            Hell Kat: Whatever, we both know the truth.

Favorite Movie: Saving Private Ryan

            Hell Kat: Lame

            Tongue: How is that movie lame?

            Hell Kat: Everyone says Saving Private Ryan. It’s lame because it’s everyone’s favorite movie.

            Tongue: No one else has said Saving Private Ryan.

            Hell Kat: Yeah, because they all know it’s a lame answer.

            Tongue:  Please, please shut up.

Favorite Quote:  “All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.”        -Winston Churchill

            Tongue: Does that meet with your approval, mistress?

            Hell Kat: I’m just really stunned that you’d say something so cool.
            Tongue: Sometimes I even surprise myself.

Last Facebook Post: If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur.

            Hell Kat: You’re so stupid.

            Tongue: Careful, we share the same gene pool.

            Hell Kat: I know, and I‘d consider it a personal favor if you’d stop pissing in it.

Ten things you should know about Me:

10. I have never played with dolls. Kitten, on the other hand, used to have a HUGE doll collection. Kind of creepy.

            Hell Kat: Are you trying to lose a limb?

9. I was born with perfect teeth. Kitten had to wear headgear 24 hours a day for an entire year. I have pictures. They are for sale.

            Hell Kat: I have a whole swamp of alligators I can feed you to.

8. I passed my driving test on my first try. Kitten had to retake it, three times.

            Hell Kat: So, lots of people fail their driving test.

7. The first time I shot a gun I hit the bullseye. The first time Kitten shot a gun, she didn’t release the trigger. She had an imprint of the hammer from a .357 magnum embedded in her forehead for days.

            Hell Kat: I hate you. I seriously hate your freaking guts.

6. I paid my best friend in high school to take Kitten to the prom.

            Hell Kat: NO YOU DIDN’T!!

            Tongue: Yes, I did.

5. I am a better cook than Kitten. She can’t prepare cheese and crackers without help.

            Hell Kat: When have I ever needed to cook?

4. In junior high I broke up a fight between Kitten and Becky Sever. Becky was unharmed, Kitten had a broken nose and two black eyes.

            Hell Kat: She was like some sort of mutant giant girl and I was fourteen!

3. I am a real soldier. Kitten is a thug.

            Hell Kat: Yeah, well this thug is about to kick your soldier ass.

2. I can speak several languages. Kitten only speaks pain.

            Hell Kat: If you speak it well, it’s the only language you need.

1.  I placed a bet that I-don’t-need-anybody-Hell Kat wouldn’t be able to live without Shooter for more than three months. I won.

            Hell Kat: Oh you are so gonna die!

            *Hell Kat attacks.*


I will take this as my cue to leave.