The Rat Bastards

Meet the Rat Bastards!! Below you will find brief bios of each of my Rat Bastards. I have also asked each of them to fill out a questionnaire so we can get to know them a bit better.

Katharine Wallace Boudreaux

Bio: Kat is not your average woman. She was recruited by Global Security Assets, a private military firm, at the age of 18 to be an assassin. She has the moral flexibility to kill without remorse. Kat doesn’t enjoy killing, but she can take a life if she feels the person needs to die for the sake of human kind. Despite this, Kat has an overwhelming ability to show compassion. She is fiercely loyal and expects loyalty from others. Kat is not a feminist. She believes men and women have very distinct rolls, but her circumstances and talents force her to hop between the two genders. Her daughter is the one thing in her life that she’s proud of and she is extremely protective of her. There is absolutely nothing she won’t do to keep her safe. Kat inherited a huge fortune when her husband died. She uses a lot of that money to better the lives of people who will never know she’s their benefactor.

Character Questionnaire 

Name: Katharine Boudreaux

Rat Bastard Name: Hell Kat

How did you get your Rat Bastard name? You’ll have to read my story to find out.

Occupation: Co-Owner of Archer International, President of Boudreaux Oil, Mom, Mercenary, Assassin, Contract Interrogator.

Relationship Status: Widow

Age: 30

Hair Color: Dark Auburn

Eye Color: Emerald Green

Height: 5’6”

Weight: You don’t seriously expect me to answer that do you?

Motto: Most situations are improved by a .45.

Distinguishing Marks: None of your business.

Favorite Weapon: Sig Sauer P220 .45 ACP, but I don’t need a weapon to kill you.

Best Friend: Yvette Benoit

Worst Enemy: That list is way too freaking long.

Last Song Played On My iPod: The Immigrant Song, Led Zeppelin

Favorite Movie: Patton, the monologue at the beginning is the best speech in history.

Favorite Quote: “I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor, dumb bastard die for his country.” George C. Scott, Patton

Last Facebook Post: I don’t use Facebook. In my situation, it would be a very stupid tactical move. The list of people who want me dead is really long. If I had a Facebook account, I might as well hand them the keys to my house.

Ten things you should know about Me:

10. My closet is sacred ground. Tread carefully.

9. Facial hair is disgusting! If you come into my house sporting chin pubes I will rip them off your face.

8. I don’t cry. It’s not because I see tears as a sign of weakness. I just think they’re a waste of the Earth’s finite water resources.

7. Every morning should start with mortal combat.

6. Threaten anyone under my care and I will make sure it takes you weeks to die.

5. You can’t lie to me so don’t try.

4. I’m not competitive. I don’t have to win, but I never lose.

3. There are two things a woman should never leave the house without, a credit card and a concealed boot 

2. I used to kill them, now shopping is the way I make sure the terrorists don’t win.

1.  My daughter means everything to me. If I could, I’d dress her in a bomb disposal suit to play on the playground.


Bio: Shooter is strong, silent, and deadly. He is the highest ranking enlisted member of the team and the Rat Bastard's sniper. Shooter has more kills than any other sniper in his regiment and has been awarded the Silver Star, three Purple Hearts, and the Navy Cross. Shooter has no family. His parents died in a house fire just after he joined the Marine Corps. He has no brothers or sisters. The Rat Bastards are everything to Shooter. He will die protecting them. Shooter is honest, holds his integrity as his most valuable asset, shows compassion to everyone, and has no idea what the word “fail” means.

Character Bio Questionnaire

Name: You haven’t earned it.

Rat Bastard Name: Shooter

How did you get your Rat Bastard name? I’m a sniper. (He’s a wicked awesome dealer of death! –Horndog)

Occupation: Marine, Sniper, Co-Owner of Archer International. (But his number one job is to keep Hell Kat from unleashing on an unsuspecting populace. –Horndog)

Relationship Status: In a relationship (I wouldn’t classify his relationship with Hell Kat as a relationship. He holds Hell Kat’s leash and we all have pledged our undying loyalty to him for his efforts in extending the average Rat Bastard lifespan.  –Horndog)

Age: 33 (His soul is around 157. –Horndog)

Hair Color: Brown (Sissy says it’s chocolate brown, brown is brown. –Horndog)

Eye Color: Blue (Sissy says they’re Mediterranean blue. She’s an artist so I am totally not jealous about her going on and on and on about Shooter’s damn eyes. –Horndog)

Height: 6’5” (Too damn tall. Anyone taller than me is too damn tall. –Horndog)

Weight: 280 (Yeah, right! Closer to 325 of solid freaking muscle. I mean, the guy’s, like, a brick wall encased in concrete wrapped in steal and plated in titanium. Hell Kat calls him the Rhinoceros for a reason people! –Horndog)

Motto: You’ll be dead before you hear the shot. (You’ll be dead before your brain has time to register something has gone amiss. –Horndog)

Distinguishing Marks: Force Recon Marines don’t disclose distinguishing marks. (He has a scar on his forehead from taking a header off a park bench when we all got wasted in Germany and I know he has a few other scars but I’m not going to tell you where they are. –Horndog)

What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?
A slight recoil
Favorite Weapon: M40A5 Sniper Rifle (Otherwise known as The Sickle of Death –Horndog)

Best Friend: Horndog (Maybe not after he sees this blog post. -Horndog)

Worst Enemy: I don’t have any, they’re all dead. (Uh, yeah. –Horndog.)

Last Song Played On My iPod: Back in the Saddle, Aerosmith (He’s lying. It was Girl’s Just Want to Have Fun. He was totally jamming to it with Sam. –Horndog)

Favorite Movie: An Affair to Remember. It helped me and Kat get over some stuff. (Seriously? Seriously? Dude, hand over your man card, right the hell now! –Horndog)

Favorite Quote: “Integrity is doing that thing which is right, when no one is looking.” -Col. Colin Lampard, USMC (That pretty much sums up Shooter.      –Horndog)

Last Facebook Post: Drinking fake tea with Sam. (Wearing a pink feather boa, diamond tiara, and waving his pinky in the air like a fairy. I have pictures. They are for sale. –Horndog)

Ten things you should know about Me:

K, so Shooter’s ten things were totally boring. He put stuff like, “I love Kat Boudreaux” and “I’m a Marine”. No shit Sherlock, we could have figured that out on our own. So I deleted his list and wrote my own.You're welcome.  -Horndog

10. I can be fun. I’ve been fun before, like twice.

9. I am always calm. I have to be. I’m sleeping with the Handmaiden of Satan.

8. Horndog is the awesomest person on the planet. When I grow up I want to be just like Horndog. For Halloween, I’m going to dress up as Horndog.

7. I don’t get mad. Anger messes with my breathing and if I can’t control my breathing I can’t kill as efficiently.

6. There is nothing as rewarding as seeing an enemy’s brain turn into a pink mist through a 10X scope.

5. I wasn’t born. I was assembled from spare tank parts.

4. I have gone days without blinking. Those palace guards with the funny hats in England have nothing on me.

3. I drive slower than Miss Daisy, unless I’m being shot at, then I drive like Mario freaking Andretti.

2. I carry a gun at all times. On the rare occasion that I don’t have a gun, like when I’m in the shower or being operated on, I will sick my Hell Kat on you. You’ll wish I’d used a gun.

1.  THE RAT BASTARDS ARE THE BEST DAMN GROUP OF GUYS ANY MARINE COULD HOPE TO BE FIGHTING WITH! Especially Horndog, Horndog is the greatest Marine since Chesty Puller.

I have altered and added to Shooter’s questionnaire. I do not know if Miss Harper will keep it cool or go with the boring Shooter version. If she keeps it cool I will probably be dead. Totally worth eating a bullet.

*I showed Shooter Horndog’s alterations. This is what happened when Shooter found out.

Shooter:    Dog, what the hell is this?
Horndog:  Uuuhhh, nothing.
Shooter:    It looks like you rewrote my questionnaire.
Horndog:   I didn’t rewrite it, I improved it.
Shooter:    I didn’t know it needed improving.
Horndog:   It was fine, if your goal was to make people think you're a Marine issue robot.
Shooter:    Hey Horndog, bite me.
Horndog:  That’s what your mother said.
Shooter:    My mother wouldn’t come near you without a hazmat suit.
Horndog:   Whatever! I could get your mother, your sister, and your girl begging me to bite them, at the same damn time.
Shooter:    Really?
Horndog:   You heard me.
Shooter:    Kat, Kat, Horndog has something he wants to tell you. *Shooter leaves the room headed toward Hell Kat*
Horndog:   Shooter, Shooter, hey Shoot, I was just kidding. Come on man. Don’t tell….shit.

Sometimes I feel like a kindergarten teacher.


Bio: Horndog is the mouth of the Rat Bastards. The guy just doesn’t know when to shut the freak up. Horndog is Catholic and attends mass whenever he can.  He is an excellent soldier, but, unlike some of his fellow Rat Bastards, he can leave the internal conflict on the battlefield . Often, when a situation gets too intense, Horndog is there with an inappropriate comment to lighten the mood. He specializes in explosives. He started blowing shit up when he was about ten years old and has never really grown out of that stage. His name may indicate that he has questionable morals, but Horndog has his own secrets.

Character Bio Questionnaire

Name:  Anna Eleanor Roosevelt, 34th First Lady of the United States of America.

Rat Bastard Name: Horndog

How did you get your Rat Bastard name? A nun gave it to me. I am not kidding.

Occupation: Marine, Rat Bastard, God’s gift to women.

Relationship Status: I’m not in a relationship. You wanna know why? Because Hell Kat is worse than Mother Superior when it comes to the virginity of her staff.

Age: Chronologically 32, mentally 14

Hair Color: Tweed. It’s blond, brown, red, black, pretty much every color in the hair color spectrum.

Eye Color: Sissy says they’re the color of Coke in the summer. They could be red and I wouldn’t care, just as long as she likes them.

Height: 6’3”  I am the perfect height.

Weight: I weigh in at around 220. I’m not as big as Shooter or Martinez, I think they were grown in some government lab, but I’m pretty sure I could kick you and all your friend’s asses if I had to.

Motto: Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow you will die.

Distinguishing Marks: My face. I’m pretty damn stunning. There’s no hiding all this sexy.

Favorite Weapon: My smolder. Hah! Just kidding, a brick of C4. Nothing says, “I’m he-re,” like a brick of C4.

Best Friend: Shooter. And not just because he saved my life last week when Hell Kat caught me and Sissy alone in my bedroom. Get your mind out of the gutter! I was helping her change my sheets. What? That's all we were doing. I'm serious! 

Worst Enemy: Hell Kat. Not because she's Satan's disciplinarian, I actually find that kind of sexy, Hell Kat and I don't get along because she thinks Sissy needs to be saved from me and I think Sissy needs to be ravaged by me.

Last Song Played On My iPod: Single Ladies by Beyonce. I’ve got that dance down cold. You wanna see?

Favorite Movie: The Hangover. Cinematic genius.

Favorite Quote: “Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.” -Mae West

Last Facebook Post: Yes, I admit it. I want to see the Dalai Lama arm wrestle the Pope.

Ten things you should know about Me:

10. I may be a barrel full of laughs, but that won’t stop me from ripping your trachea out with my teeth.

9. Yes, I have an obscene amount of information regarding women’s fashion locked inside my brain. That does not make me gay. It gives me an excuse to accompany women into dressing rooms.

8. I am not a man whore.

7. Disrespect Sissy, Sam, Lilly, Amanda, Edna Mae, Hell Kat, or any other woman in my presence and be prepared to kiss the floor. I don't disrespect women, I worship women.

6. Women are Gods way of saying thank you to mankind.

5. I am the only person allowed to tease Shooter. If you tease Shooter, I will hurt you.

4. I once drove a Humvee through my CO’s bedroom window and blamed it on the Company dog. It worked.

3. I don’t drink. I take the video and post it on YouTube.

2. Allison is my reason for living.

1.  I will never tell you about Allison.


Bio:  Tongue is the translator of the group. He is extremely intelligent. He speaks Arabic, Farsi, Persian Dari, and Hebrew, among others. Tongue is the only Rat Bastard whose real name we know from the beginning. Tongue is Hell Kat’s big brother. He loves his sister to bits and pieces, but has a  hard time adjusting to her secret life as an assassin. He and Shooter are the only people who can get away with calling Hell Kat, Kitten. They have a great relationship, but that doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy teasing the crap out of one another.

*Author’s note: Hell Kat refused to let Tongue fill out his questionnaire and hand it in without her approval. It has something to do with Tongue disclosing sensitive, embarrassing teenage years’ secrets. So, as a compromise I’m allowing Hell Kat to sit in while I interview Tongue.

Character Bio Questionnaire

Name:  Tyler Wallace. Thanks a lot Kitten for taking all my mystery away.
              Hell Kat: You didn’t have any mystery to begin with.
              Tongue: Uh-huh. I have mystery. There’s stuff you don’t know about.
              Hell Kat: Like what? That you have dreams about being a princess.
              Tongue: Not cool Kitten. I had that dream once, years ago. Not freaking cool.

Rat Bastard Name: Tongue

How did you get your Rat Bastard name? I speak in tongues. I know you were all hoping I possess some mythical erotic talent, and I do, that’s just not how I got my name.
            Hell Kat: Oh please, get over yourself.
            Tongue: I have talents you can only dream of.
            Hell Kat: K, EW! You’re my brother for crying out loud!!

Occupation: Marine, Rat Bastard, Kitten’s go to guy for pretty much everything.
            Hell Kat: My go to guy for everything? Like what?
Tongue: Please, like shuttling Sam all over the place before Switch stepped up. That whole messy business with your partner she devil in Missouri. Do I need to go on?
Hell Kat: Shut up.

Relationship Status: I’m not in a relationship. I refuse to spend money on another man’s future wife. When I find the woman of my dreams I’ll be in a relationship. Until that day, well, that’s why God invented single’s bars.
            Hell Kat: How do you plan on finding the woman of your dreams if you don’t date?
            Tongue: The same way you found Shooter.
            Hell Kat: Oh, OK, I’ll just send some psychopath after you and hire a bunch of mega-
   watt  hot killer chicks to protect you.
Tongue: That would be AWESOME!! You really are the best sister ever. When can expect them?

Age: 32 

Hair Color: Dark reddish brown. Kind of like Kitten’s, but I wear it better than she does.
            Hell Kat: The hell you do. And it’s called auburn genius.
            Tongue: The only Auburn I know has a rivalry with Alabama.
            Hell Kat: You’re an idiot.

Eye Color: Green like Kitten’s.
            Hell Kat: Look at that, genetics at work. Too bad you didn’t get my brains.
            Tongue: I don’t need your brains, I’ve got my own. And my brains won’t let me run headfirst into a firefight just so I can get myself stabbed.
            Hell Kat: That’s because your brains are a bunch of cowards.
            Tongue: No, my brains just heed the advice of my self-preservation instinct.
            Hell Kat: So, your brains would let Shooter get killed?
            Tongue: No, I just wouldn’t end up getting stabbed in the process.
            Hell Kat: My brains can still kick your brains’ ass.

Height: 6’2”
            Tongue: What? No idiotic response.
            Hell Kat: Nope.
            Tongue: Good.
            Hell Kat: Except that you’re actually 6’1 ½”
            Tongue: No, I’m not.
            Hell Kat: Yes you are.

Weight: 180, solid muscle.
            Hell Kat: Hey, do you still do that thing where you stand in front of the mirror flexing in your tighty whities?
            Tongue:  I don’t know what you’re talking about.
            Hell Kat: Sure you do. Remember, with the He-Man underwear and you’re all trying  to look tough in the mirror. I think I have pictures somewhere.
Tongue: I hate you right now.

Motto: Come after me, and I’ll sick my sister on you.
            Hell Kat: That is the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.
            Tongue: You’re welcome.

Distinguishing Marks: None.
            Hell Kat: Not true! You have that scar on your right butt cheek where you sat on a lit fire cracker.
            Tongue: As I recall, you put the fire cracker under my butt.
            Hell Kat: *laughing* I know. You cried like a little girl.
            Tongue:  I really hate you right now.

Favorite Weapon: My tongue. Words are powerful.
            Hell Kat: Please don’t embarrass me. Your tongue, really, that’s what you're going with?
            Tongue: Unlike some people, I try to avoid death and dismemberment.
            Hell Kat: You mean unlike cool people.
            Tongue: Yeah, all the cool kids are engaging in torture these days.
            Hell Kat: Please change your answer.
            Tongue:  No.
            Hell Kat: You suck.

Best Friend: Shooter.
            Hell Kat: What’s all this man love for Shooter?
            Tongue:  Uh, he’s only the best friend a guy could ever have.
            Hell Kat: Yeah, well he’s not available so keep it zipped up.
            Tongue:  Not a problem.

Worst Enemy: Right now, my sister.
            Hell Kat: I take it back, that is the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.
            Tongue:  Shut up, I’d like to get this over with.

Last Song Played On My iPod: Savin’ Me by Nickelback.
            Hell Kat: Are you sure?
            Tongue: Yeah.
            Hell Kat: OK, but I heard you singing Bootylicious in the gym this morning.
            Tongue: No you didn’t.
            Hell Kat: Yes I did.
            Tongue: No, you didn’t.
            Hell Kat: Whatever, we both know the truth.

Favorite Movie: Saving Private Ryan
            Hell Kat: Lame
            Tongue: How is that movie lame?
            Hell Kat: Everyone says Saving Private Ryan. It’s lame because it’s everyone’s favorite movie.
            Tongue: No one else has said Saving Private Ryan.
            Hell Kat: Yeah, because they all know it’s a lame answer.
            Tongue:  Please, please shut up.

Favorite Quote:  “All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.”        -Winston Churchill
            Tongue: Does that meet with your approval, mistress?
            Hell Kat: I’m just really stunned that you’d say something so cool.
            Tongue: Sometimes I even surprise myself.

Last Facebook Post: If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur.
            Hell Kat: You’re so stupid.
            Tongue: Careful, we share the same gene pool.
            Hell Kat: I know, and I‘d consider it a personal favor if you’d stop pissing in it.

Ten things you should know about Me:

10. I have never played with dolls. Kitten, on the other hand, used to have a HUGE doll collection. Kind of creepy.
            Hell Kat: Are you trying to lose a limb?

9. I was born with perfect teeth. Kitten had to wear headgear 24 hours a day for an entire year. I have pictures. They are for sale.
            Hell Kat: I have a whole swamp of alligators I can feed you to.

8. I passed my driving test on my first try. Kitten had to retake it, three times.
            Hell Kat: So, lots of people fail their driving test.

7. The first time I shot a gun I hit the bullseye. The first time Kitten shot a gun, she didn’t release the trigger. She had an imprint of the hammer from a .357 magnum embedded in her forehead for days.
            Hell Kat: I hate you. I seriously hate your freaking guts.

6. I paid my best friend in high school to take Kitten to the prom.
            Hell Kat: NO YOU DIDN’T!!
            Tongue: Yes, I did.

5. I am a better cook than Kitten. She can’t prepare cheese and crackers without help.
            Hell Kat: When have I ever needed to cook?

4. In junior high I broke up a fight between Kitten and Becky Sever. Becky was unharmed, Kitten had a broken nose and two black eyes.
            Hell Kat: She was like some sort of mutant giant girl and I was fourteen!

3. I am a real soldier. Kitten is a thug.
            Hell Kat: Yeah, well this thug is about to kick your soldier ass.

2. I can speak several languages. Kitten only speaks pain.
            Hell Kat: If you speak it well, it’s the only language you need.

1.  I placed a bet that I-don’t-need-anybody-Hell Kat wouldn’t be able to live without Shooter for more than three months. I won.
            Hell Kat: Oh you are so gonna die!
            *Hell Kat attacks.*

I will take this as my cue to leave.


Bio:  Doc is the team’s medic. The Marine Corps does not have medical staff so Doc is technically a Navy Corpsman. Don’t ever say he’s not a Marine. The Rat Bastards will kick the crap out of you. To them, he is all Marine. Doc is very cerebral. He does not speak often, but when he does, people listen. Doc is the heart of the team. He’s the medic, therapist, mother, father, best friend, and confidant of the Rat Bastards. The only Rat Bastard who knows more about the other Bastards is Shooter. Doc is unfailingly honest. If he promises to keep a secret, he doesn’t tell anyone. Doc is the only Rat Bastard who refuses to use offensive language. He feels that the only reason people use curse words is because they lack the vocabulary to express themselves appropriately. He isn’t pretentious and he doesn’t look down on his Bastards for swearing, he just chooses not to. Doc is extremely kind. Whenever the team has to deal with women, children, or anyone who is scared or feeling threatened, they send in Doc. He has an amazing ability to make people feel at ease around him. The Bastards have a deep love and protective nature for Doc.

Character Bio Questionnaire

Name:  I have taken an oath not to divulge my name.

Rat Bastard Name: They have given me the name Doc.

Navy Corpsman motto:
"Until they are home,
No man left behind."
How did you get your Rat Bastard name? I am not a physician. I'm a Navy  Corpsman. I have received extensive training to administer to battlefield wounds, but I am not above asking for help when I am faced with something that lies outside my scope of practice.

Occupation: Navy Corpsman, Operative for Archer International, Medic, Therapist, Dietician, and Priest (in practice, not name).

Relationship Status: I am not currently attached to anyone. There is someone I’d like to be attached to, but I don’t date patients. 

Age: 33

Hair Color: Black

Eye Color: The color of port.

Height: 6’3”
Weight: 225. I used to be much smaller, but I started working out with Shooter and Martinez and, well, you can’t help but grow around those two.

Motto: Primum non nocere, Above all, do no harm.

Distinguishing Marks:  I have a scar that I am not permitted to disclose.

Favorite Weapon: A suture kit. My contribution to the team is keeping them in the fight.

Best Friend: Yvette Benoit

Worst Enemy: I try not to make them, but in my line of work they are inevitable.

Last Song Played On My iPod: I Would Die 4 U by Prince

Favorite Movie: Star Wars. I’m a closet sci-fi geek.

Favorite Quote:  It’s not a quote, it’s a poem.
By William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate.
I am the captain of my soul.

Last Facebook Post: Taught Sam to whistle today. There is nothing as satisfying as teaching a child.

Ten things you should know about Me:

10. As a medic I am prohibited from engaging the enemy except in the defense of myself or my patients. You can shoot at me all you want, but shoot at my patients and you will earn a one way trip to paradise.

9. I speak Latin. As a language it’s dead, but it’s still relevant.

 8. I will listen to you complain about your girlfriend, your CO, your friends, and battle fatigue. In the end, I will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.

7. I would never intentionally harm someone, but if you say PTSD isn’t a real disease, I will light you on fire.

6. If you hurt a child or a woman, I will surgically remove your favorite appendage.

5. I can put a body back together, but I just don’t understand an engine. I leave all car maintenance to Yvette.

4. Yvette and I are NOT sleeping together.

3. I can find good in almost everyone, even Hell Kat.

2. I know when you’re hurting. I will insist you do something about it. If you need to talk, I’m here. If you need an injection of morphine, I’m here.

1. I love the Rat Bastards. You can’t serve someone and not end up loving them.

*You may have noticed a lack of funny in this bio. Doc is shy, quiet, and thoughtful. The Rat Bastards did not step in to give him a more entertaining bio. Doc has stitched their guts back in on the battlefield. Doc is more than respected, he is revered.*


Bio: Martinez is the newest member of the Rat Bastards. He’s a probationary Rat Bastard which means he has not earned a name yet. Martinez is the name of the Rat Bastard who was killed in combat who he replaced. He doesn’t get his own name until he earns one. Martinez has to endure hazing on a Marine Corps level. He is not allowed to speak unless spoken to, he has to do the bidding of all initiated Rat Bastards, he is not allowed to drink alcohol until he is initiated, absolutely anything a Rat Bastard may want, it is his responsibility to provide. Martinez specialty is close quarters combat. He kills most efficiently with his own two hands.

Since Martinez is basically the team’s bitch, he is not permitted to fill out his own bio. Horndog has graciously offered to do it for him.

Character Bio Questionnaire

Name:  Nancy McSissyboy

Rat Bastard Name: I cried like a little girl when I found out the best Bastard name had already been taken. Horndog gets all the ladies, all the cool names, all the cherry assignments, he’s pretty much my idol in every way. I’d pay to be Horndog’s bitch, but he won’t take me.

How did you get your Rat Bastard name?  I will never be worthy of a Rat Bastard name. Excuse me for a minute. I need to get a tissue to sop up all these tears.

Occupation: Laundress, waitress, maid, human shield.

Relationship Status: The one I want won’t have me. Why Horndog, why do you deny me?

Age: 295 months

Hair Color: Dark brown. You know, the color of a blood clot when it dries in the sun.

Eye Color: Purple, I’m 80% fairy.

Height: Two inches shorter than the giraffe at the zoo.
Weight: I’m around 280, but I wish I looked more like Horndog. Horndog has a perfect body.

Motto: If it cries, cuddle it.
Distinguishing Marks:  I have the cutest little dimples ever!

Favorite Weapon: I would NEVER touch a weapon. Weapons are icky.

Best Friend: I don’t have friends, but I do have people I stalk.

Worst Enemy: Spiders! They come after me all the time. I have to call Horndog to kill them. He never comes.

Last Song Played On My iPod: It’s Raining Men by The Weather Girls

Favorite Movie: A Boyfriend for Christmas

Favorite Quote: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. -Unknown

Last Facebook Post: Can anyone bring me some Midol?

Ten things you should know about Me:

10. I shave every hair off my entire body every day.
9. Heels make my legs look sexy.

 8. I look like an upside down triangle. I wish I had a Marilyn Monroe figure.

7. I earn extra money testing breast implants.

6. I get my roots done every month.

5. I can put down an entire pan of brownies in under thirty minutes when I’m PMSing.

4. I cry at weddings, funerals, births, and at the opening of the Nordstrom Semi-Annual Shoe Sale.

3. Spanx are my best friend.

2. I have crocheted a sweater for every single Rat Bastard in a shade that best brings out their eyes.

1. I buy all my unmentionables at Victoria’s Secret.


Bio:  Switch is the meanest member of the Rat Bastards. The only reason the other Bastards tolerate him is because he is very good at his job. Switch is responsible for the up close and personal kill. When Shooter can’t get a clean shot on a target, Switch is sent in to dispatch him. Switch is not friendly. He is not nice. He does not care if he offends you. He was built for one purpose and that one purpose is to kill. Hell Kat recognizes a fierce warrior in Switch and asks him to protect her daughter Samantha. Hell Kat knows Switch has no problem killing anyone who threatens Samantha’s safety, even if that threat is Hell Kat herself. No one really knows Switch. He is the most closed off of all the Bastards. Not even Shooter knows Switch’s whole story. Though Switch has a very tough exterior, he has a soft spot for Samantha and is willing to submit to pretty much anything she asks of him, as long as it doesn’t put her in danger. Switch is closer to Samantha than he is to his fellow Rat Bastards. Threaten her and he will force feed you your own eyeballs.

Authors note: It was very difficult to get Switch to fill out his bio. He doesn’t play well with others. Switch is deadly. His bio reflects that.

Character Bio Questionnaire

Name:  I don’t have one.

Rat Bastard Name: Switch

How did you get your Rat Bastard name?  The first person I killed I gutted with a switch blade. I was thirteen.

 Occupation: Marine, Bodyguard

Relationship Status: I’ve never been in a relationship. I have no desire to be in a relationship. Relationships just make you sloppy.
Age: 34

Hair Color: Black

Eye Color: Black

Height: 6’3”
Weight: 170

Motto: I only need one chance to put you out of my misery.

Distinguishing Marks:  Too many scars to care about. 

Favorite Weapon: 6.5” Mercworx Handmade SHIVA Combat Dagger

Best Friend: Samantha Boudreaux

Worst Enemy: Anyone I’ve ever killed. My enemies don’t survive long. 

Last Song Played On My iPod: Moonlight Sonata, Beethoven

Favorite Movie: Samantha’s favorite movie right now is The Incredible Mr. Limpet, so I guess that’s my favorite movie too.

Favorite Quote: “There will be killing until the score is paid.” –Homer (The Odyssey)

Last Facebook Post: “******* ******* joined Facebook January 17, 2010.” I only have Facebook so Samantha can play Farmville. If any of you think of sending her inappropriate messages, don’t. I sit next to her the entire time she plays. If you say anything slightly offensive, your wife will be putting your meals in a Cuisinart.

Ten things you should know about Me:

10. I do not threaten. I promise and when I give my word, I keep it.

9. I have killed more people than most serial killers. I do not apologize for my actions. They needed to be killed.

 8. Harm a child and I will turn you into a human kabob.

7. I don’t believe in family.

6. Deciding if someone needs to die is easy. Facilitating that death is easier.

5. There is more to me than killing, but not much.

4. I do not hand out loyalty. I am loyal to the Rat Bastards because they’ve earned it. If you mistreat my fidelity you will live to regret it…. well, you will live for a while anyway.

3. I follow Shooter’s orders because he lets me kill bad guys.

2. If you and I were trapped on a deserted island, I’d have no problem eating you.

1. Samantha is my world and my reason for living. Do not swear around her, treat her with respect, and if you think you might have an idea to maybe attempt to hurt her in any way, shape or form, I will rip your lungs out through your mouth and feed you feet first into an industrial plastic shredder. (See number 10)