Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Rat Bastards Interview Hell Kat

I completely understand that every single one of my characters is in need of some serious therapy, possibly electroshock. Since none of my characters would agree to seeing a counselor, I have decided to allow the Rat Bastards to interview each other, kind of like group therapy. I expect the sessions will end in bloodshed, but really that just makes for good blogging.

Our first victim will be our fearless heroine, Hell Kat Boudreaux.

*The Rat Bastards sit on various chairs and couches in the library of Hell Kat’s house, affectionately known as the Kat House. Hell Kat slouches, arms folded over her chest, pissed that she’s about to be questioned.*

Horndog: *Rubs his hands together sporting an evil grin* Hell Kat, enquiring minds want to know, were you ever actually a human with human emotions or have you always been an android.

Shooter: Dog, cut it out. Ask a serious question.

Hell Kat: No, I’ll answer. If you’re asking if I’ve ever cried at a Hallmark commercial, the answer is a resounding no. If you’re asking if I’ve ever felt guilt, remorse or sorrow…only when I want to. Next question.

Doc: We were all there when you tortured the man who’d had a hand in kidnapping your daughter. My question is, have you ever killed someone you were “interrogating”?

*Shooter growls low in his chest.*

Hell Kat: Yes, but I brought them back to life. I wasn’t done with them yet.

Martinez: I’m not gonna do it.

Horndog: Yes, you are, as an uninitiated member of the Rat Bastards, you have to do our bidding.

Martinez: I’m not asking that question.

Horndog: The hell you say. You will or you’ll never be a real Bastard.

Martinez: If I ask your question, she’ll kill me.

Horndog: Then you’ll be awarded Rat Bastardhood posthumously. You took an oath Marty, are you going to go back on your word, your word to the Rat Bastards?

Martinez: She’s a Rat Bastard and she doesn’t deserve to be asked this question.
Hell Kat: Oh, will you just ask the damn question already!

Martinez: I hate you guys right now. *sigh* Hell Kat, you’ve seen Horndog and Shooter naked, who has the better, fill in the blank, I’m not gonna say it!

Hell Kat: Shooter, and not just because I have to say that, Horndog tips to the left, if you know what I mean. *Everyone snickers. Hell Kat points at Horndog and shoots a glare through him.* That’s for making Martinez ask such a stupid question.

Tongue: Ouch! Horndog, you really should have seen that one coming. OK, now me. When we were kids you slept with a pink Care Bear. Do you still have the bear and do you still sleep with it?

Hell Kat: No.

Shooter: LIE! You keep it on the side of your bed and whenever you have a problem you can’t work out you grip that thing like it’s your life raft. I’ve seen you do it.

Hell Kat: You are in so much trouble.

Shooter: What are you going to do? 

Hell Kat: I’m planning on replacing your favorite appendage with a piece of cooked spaghetti.

Shooter: You wouldn’t do that love. 

*Shooter’s holds Hell Kat’s chin between his thumb and forefinger*

Switch: All right, cut it the hell out. I don’t want to see the two of you go at it on the floor. Sam is waiting for me and I want to get this kumbaya circle over with. Hell Kat, on the docks a couple months ago you killed a guy by breaking his neck, what is your favorite way to kill?

Hell Kat: I don’t have a favorite way. If someone is going to be surrounded by an army of body guards, a long distance shot is best. If they let their guard down around pretty women, dressing as a tramp and carrying a garrote is preferred. If the target has a family, an injection of succinylcholine looks like a heart attack. Most of the time you won’t have a family member hunting you down for vengeance. Every situation is different and besides, you don’t want to develop a modus operandi, it’s tactically stupid.

Shooter: My turn, we’ve spoken to the killer Hell Kat, I want to speak with the woman Kat Boudreaux. Mrs. Boudreaux, the people of Bayou Boudreaux have no idea how much you impact their daily lives. You pay for every child to have a private education, when someone’s spouse dies you pay off their house, Bayou Boudreaux has zero unemployment because you give everybody a job, when a child is born you start a college fund in his name with a generous donation, I could go on all day. Why do you do this and why do you do this anonymously? *Hell Kat shifts in her seat* It’s OK they’re Bastards, you can trust them.

Hell Kat: I have done terrible things in my life. I have killed, tortured and destroyed lives. I have to prove to the world and to myself that I’m not a monster. Yes, I can do things that would make most people fall into a catatonic stupor, and I agree that sometimes those skills are necessary, but I have to prove that I’m more than that. That’s the whole reason I started Archer International, to use my talents to save people. To fight for people who can’t fight for themselves. I know you guys tease me about what I’ve done and what I can do and I hate that it’s true. The sad fact is the world needs people like me, people who are willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done. Why can’t I do whatever it takes to save a life?

Shooter: And that’s why I love you.

Horndog: And that’s why we haven’t fed you to the alligators for the sake of humanity.

*Shooter smacks Horndog on the back of the head.*


  1. Remind me not to piss Kat off...ever.

  2. Maureen, that is a very, very smart decision.

  3. My first husband leaned a little to the left too. Weird.