My Bucket List

No one had a bucket list until that movie inspired everyone to write a bucket list. I know most people have super awesome stuff like climb Everest or visit the Great Wall of China. My list is not so lofty. It’s simple, direct, and sadly, completely unattainable.

My list

Go to the bathroom without someone busting through the door having a complete grand mal seizure because she thinks she might have seen a bug disguised as a piece of dust.

Find the mates to ALL my socks. (Scientific law says this will never happen.)

The white shirt: A blank canvas
for the days spillage

Wear a white shirt for more than an hour without spilling something red or brown on it.

Wash my car and not have a bird crap on it for at least a day.

Go on a vacation where I’m not begging to go back to my normal life by the end of day two.

STAY OUT OF MY CLOSET!!
Not cool dude, not cool

Make it onto People of Wal-Mart. (I wear the shorts I wore in third grade, my two year old niece’s tank top, and a pair of red Doc Martens every time I go. Sadly no one has taken my picture. I have been asked to leave and arrested once.)

Take the skinny girl’s clothes while she’s in the shower at the gym and leave an Easter Bunny costume.

Convince a radio station I got shot to win a contest. (Oh wait, I’ve already done that.)

Give a homeless guy a gift card to a liquor store. (What!? I’m just making an honest person out of him.)

The Thouy's are an inspiration.

Adopt a seventeen year old with a promising athletic career.

Open a gallon of ice cream in the store, eat it, and take the empty case to the check out. Ask if there's a discount. (I won’t lie, I’ve done this one too. Twice. OK, three times, but that’s it.)

Buy every single color of jeans known to mankind.

Open a Disney princess themed strip club and call it Hakuna Matata’s.

Win a pistols at dawn duel.

Have a game of hide and go seek with 250 friends….at Ikea.

Create my own cult.

Skinny dip in a public fountain in the middle of the day. (I’ve done this one too.)

When a lion does it it's OK because he's
doing it for "survival".
When I do it, people get pissed because
I'm doing it for "decoration".
People are so judgmental.

Kill something bigger than a horse.

Kill something that could eat me. (I’ve done this too. That mosquito bit the wrong bitch!)

Call in “dead” to work.

Eat poisonous blowfish from a street vendor.

Buy a gym membership and actually use it for more than a week. (Nope, never happening.)

Visit a psychiatric hospital as a patient. (Been there, done that.)

Start a prison gang called the Twinkle Fairies.

Marry a billionaire with heart problems and no heirs.

I think I better end it here. This list can be used against me in a future criminal case.