Tongue's Interview with the Rat Bastards

Horndog: Since it has become somewhat of a tradition that I start this lovely little round robin, I’ll go. Tongue, you grew up with the Handmaiden of Satan. How did you survive with your balls intact?

 

Hell Kat: Dog, cut it out, I am not in the mood to deal with your crap.

Horndog: You mean there are days where you are in the mood?

Hell Kat: Horndog, I’m serious.

Tongue: Hey, I thought this was my interview. And the answer is, I started wearing a titanium cup from the time I turned ten. Doc, your next. Apparently we need to make this one quick.

Doc: Tongue, you gave your sister a hard time when she told you about her past as  mercenary and assassin…

Horndog: Don’t forget paid torturer. You can’t forget torturer.

Hell Kat: Dog, I’ve been looking for an excuse to disembowel you and you just hand one to me on a silver freaking platter.

Doc: All right, calm down, everybody just take a few deep breaths. Let’s try to end this session without bloodshed. That’s a good goal. As I was saying, you gave your sister a lot of grief because she’d worked as a soldier of fortune. How do you explain your actions in Iraq when you accepted money from a local merchant to hunt down and kill his son in law?

Hell Kat: What?!

Horndog: Oh, this is gonna be good. Thank you Doc.

Shooter: *Places a hand on Hell Kat’s shoulder* Calm down, Kitten.

Hell Kat: Don’t call me Kitten! You are not allowed to call me Kitten right now! Answer the effing question Tyler before I rip your head from your shoulders!

Tongue: Calm the freak down OK. I’m not afraid of you Kat.

Horndog: Are you stupid or do you have a death wish?

Hell Kat & Tongue: SHUT UP HORNDOG!

Tongue: First of all, I didn’t keep the money. I sent it back to him. Second he wanted his son in law dead because he’d beaten his daughter so badly she miscarried and nearly bled to death. She would have died if Doc hadn’t been there. And don’t think I didn’t notice how you left that little detail out Doc. Third, I did the world a favor by taking that guy out.

Hell Kat: Acceptable reasons, but still you shouldn’t have used the “I killed to keep one country free and to liberate another” defense when I told you about my job history. That was just….pouty.

Tongue: I don’t pout.

Hell Kat: You’re pouting now. My turn, did you or did you not lose your virginity to Becky Myers? Remember you have to be honest.

Tongue: Good grief! You still won’t let that go?

Hell Kat: No, I don’t believe I have received an honest answer.

Horndog: Who’s Becky Myers?

Tongue: No one. And yes, OK, I did lose my virginity to Becky Myers! Are you happy now?

Hell Kat: Almost. *Hell Kat pulls an 8X10 from a file* This is Becky Myers.

Horndog: *Laughing* Tongue seriously, you should have lied. I mean WOW, that is bad on a monumental level.

Tongue: You’re one to talk. You were the one perving on that "woman" the other night who turned out to be a dude.

Horndog: *Stops laughing* I thought we weren’t going to talk about that.

Switch: We all know Horndog’s eyesight becomes cloudy when he’s had too many Shirley Temples, but really can we move this along Sam's…

Horndog: We know! Sam’s waiting for you. You’d think you were in a really bad relationship.

Switch: I will let that slide. This time. Impugn Samantha’s character again and I will field dress you Horndog. Tongue, Samantha has told me a bit about Captain Higglebottoms. Who is Captain Higglebottoms and why does she think he’s you?

Tongue: Oh, good grief this is horrifying. Captain Higglebottoms is a fat, salty, sea pirate who talks like a girl and rides unicorns. She thinks I’m Captain Higglebottoms because I am Captain Higglebottoms.

Horndog: Oh, I think we need a demo. I’m not really getting your explanation. Would you mind introducing us to Captain Higglebottoms?

Tongue: Not happening.

Horndog: Fine, Martinez, you’re next.

Martinez: I hate you Horndog. *Martinez reads verbatim* Tongue, you go carousing with Horndog. How do you expect to get any tail when your wingman is the God of love and sex Horndog?

Tongue: My name is Tongue and not just because I speak several languages.

Hell Kat: K, EW! I’m your sister. I don’t need to hear about that kind of crap!

Shooter: I’ll end this little discussion before Horndog and Tongue get into a measuring contest. Tongue, you and I are the only people who are willing to spar with Kat. I know why I do it, why do you put yourself in mortal peril on a regular basis?

Horndog: Because he’s either stupid or he has a death wish.

Tongue: Shut up Horndog. I do it because Kitten needs it. She needs to vent her anger. Think of it like plate tectonics. When two tectonic plates move slightly, over time they release enough pressure so a big quake never happens. You don’t want to see Kitten when she’s let her pressure build. She becomes a, well, a Hell Kat. 

Hell Kat: And that’s why I love you.