Horny Wednesday

Since my brilliant posts while Harper was at Disneyland she has been hit with a torrential (thank you thesaurus.com) downpour of women wanting my advice. Me, little ole Horndog. Women want to know what I think. This is an odd situation for me to be in. Usually women only want one thing from me and, trust me, I am a-okay giving them that one thing. Now they’re coming to me for advice about their love lives. I know, how freaking crazy is that! Anyway, from now on I’ll be dishing out advice to the masses Horndog style. Want to sling a question my way? Send them to horndogrocks@gmail.com.

Question #1

Dear Horndog,

I have been best friends with the man of my dreams for ten years. He’s the type of friend you can not talk to for months then pick up as if no time has passed at all. He’s funny, attractive, confident, and kind. We went out to dinner a couple weeks ago. He was very flirty. He told me I looked good and asked me how I was still single. We had a great dinner and the two of us both said we needed to get together again soon. Well, it’s been three weeks since our dinner and he hasn’t called me. Can I call him? Do you think he’s liked me for a while but has been too afraid to ask me out? Should I tell him how I feel? Maybe that will give him the courage to declare his feelings for me. Please help.

Sincerely,

Friend who desperately wants to be girlfriend

Dear Delusional Girl 265 (I refuse to address you by Friend who desperately wants to be girlfriend, that's pathetic),

You’ve known this guy for ten years. Ten freaking years!! And he hasn’t made a play for you. That should tell you everything you need to know. You said yourself this guy is confident. If he wanted to ask you out, he would have. Should you call him and tell him you’re in love with him? Go ahead. Watch how fast you don’t get the response you’re looking for. He’s had ten years to think about sleeping with you, and trust me he’s thought about it. And in that ten years he has never expressed a desire to sleep with you. Face it, he doesn’t want to.

Here’s the thing, that whole I don’t want to ruin our friendship excuse is a racket. In the entire history of mankind that excuse has never been used by someone who actually meant it. Guys are totally willing to mess up a friendship if it means they might get to have sex.  And don’t try to convince yourself he’s afraid of his feelings. The only thing he’s afraid of is that you're female and he doesn't want to sleep with you. He's probably questioning his sexuality every he speaks to you. My advice to you is to stop waiting by the phone, take a shower, brush your teeth, put on your best party dress, and get out their baby! Go find a man who wants you. All of you. A guy who wants to take you to dinner and to bed. When a guy is attracted to you, you don't have to use a translator to know what he's thinking. He'll let you know.

Sincerely,

Horndog