Thursday, July 14, 2011

The Bastards Roast a Horndog

Today's interrogation will feature one of my favorite Rat Bastards. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Horndog.

Tongue: Horndog, Horndog, Horndog. So, what’s with you and all the church? You go to church more than the priest.

Horndog: It’s the best place to meet the ladies.

Tongue: At church?
Horndog: Either they’ve already sinned or they’re trying to convince themselves not to.

Hell Kat: And you wonder why I won’t let you near Sissy.

Horndog: Next.

Doc: How come you never bring any of your ladies home so we can meet them?

Horndog: That’s too much commitment. I’m more of a drive by hit it and run kind of guy.

Shooter: You’re so full of shit.

Horndog: Shoot, remember your promise.

Hell Kat: And you wonder why I won’t let you near Sissy.

Horndog: Next

Martinez: It’s payback time beeyatch. Horndog, on a patrol, two years ago, in Afghanistan, you got shot and Doc had to cut your pants off. Why in the hell were you wearing women’s underwear?

Doc: I’d really like to know the answer to this too.

Horndog: You’re girlfriend left them in my bed.

Martinez: So, why were you wearing them? Most men would keep them as a trophy. But for some reason, you said to yourself, “I’d really like a bit of tummy control today.”

Shooter: He’s got you there Dog.

Horndog: They matched my bra.

Martinez: Why doesn’t that surprise me?

Hell Kat: And you wonder why I won't let you near Sissy.

Switch: Oh come on ladies, he lost a bet OK. Horndog lost a bet. I bet him that he couldn’t get this Air Force officer to have a drink with him. I won, he had to wear the Vicki’s Secret for a week. That’s it. Mystery solved. Can we move on please?

Shooter: Sounds like you’re up Switch.

Switch: Why did you wax your chest, in Iraq, in the middle of the push to Baghdad?

Horndog: I’ve always waxed my chest. Personal grooming standards shouldn’t suffer just because I’m fighting a war.

Hell Kat: And, again, you wonder why I won't let you near Sissy.

Martinez: Dude, that is just wrong.

Horndog: You should try it. The ladies love it.

Shooter: All right, enough manscaping tips. What, exactly, is a “bun warmer”?

Horndog: Uh, I’m not comfortable telling you with a lady present.

Hell Kat: Oh please, you can’t say anything that will shock me.

Horndog: I’m not talking about you! I’m talking about Miss Harper. She’s the only lady in this group.

*I think for a moment and decide to explore this topic a bit more in the future. Don’t worry, there will be an explanation, later. *

Hell Kat: Seriously! You wonder why I won't let you near Sissy.  I guess I’ll bring this lovely little gathering to a close. Horndog, three days ago I caught you and Sissy coming out of the theater sweaty, panting, and rumpled. In great detail, explain what the two of you had been doing. Now.

Horndog: Uh, *Horndog stands up and starts to pace*, uh, you know, we were just, you know, watching a movie, and then she choked on a piece of popcorn and I, you know, gave her the Heimlich. That’s it. Nothing more.

Hell Kat: I don’t believe you. *Hell Kat stands* 

Shooter: Dog, run.

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