Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Meet Tongue!!


Bio:  Tongue is the translator of the group. He is extremely intelligent. He speaks Arabic, Farsi, Persian Dari, and Hebrew, among others. Tongue is the only Rat Bastard whose real name we know from the beginning. Tongue is Hell Kat’s big brother. He loves his sister to bits and pieces, but has a  hard time adjusting to her secret life as an assassin. He and Shooter are the only people who can get away with calling Hell Kat, Kitten. They have a great relationship, but that doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy teasing the crap out of one another.

*Author’s note: Hell Kat refused to let Tongue fill out his questionnaire and hand it in without her approval. It has something to do with Tongue disclosing sensitive, embarrassing teenage years’ secrets. So, as a compromise I’m allowing Hell Kat to sit in while I interview Tongue.

Character Bio Questionnaire

Name:  Tyler Wallace. Thanks a lot Kitten for taking all my mystery away.
              Hell Kat: You didn’t have any mystery to begin with.
              Tongue: Uh-huh. I have mystery. There’s stuff you don’t know about.
              Hell Kat: Like what? That you have dreams about being a princess.
              Tongue: Not cool Kitten. I had that dream once, years ago. Not freaking cool.

Rat Bastard Name: Tongue

How did you get your Rat Bastard name? I speak in tongues. I know you were all hoping I possess some mythical erotic talent, and I do, that’s just not how I got my name.
            Hell Kat: Oh please, get over yourself.
            Tongue: I have talents you can only dream of.
            Hell Kat: K, EW! You’re my brother for crying out loud!!

Occupation: Marine, Rat Bastard, Kitten’s go to guy for pretty much everything.
            Hell Kat: My go to guy for everything? Like what?
Tongue: Please, like shuttling Sam all over the place before Switch stepped up. That whole messy business with your partner she devil in Missouri. Do I need to go on?
Hell Kat: Shut up.

Relationship Status: I’m not in a relationship. I refuse to spend money on another man’s future wife. When I find the woman of my dreams I’ll be in a relationship. Until that day, well, that’s why God invented single’s bars.
            Hell Kat: How do you plan on finding the woman of your dreams if you don’t date?
            Tongue: The same way you found Shooter.
            Hell Kat: Oh, OK, I’ll just send some psychopath after you and hire a bunch of mega-
   watt  hot killer chicks to protect you.
Tongue: That would be AWESOME!! You really are the best sister ever. When can expect them?

Age: 32 

Hair Color: Dark reddish brown. Kind of like Kitten’s, but I wear it better than she does.
            Hell Kat: The hell you do. And it’s called auburn genius.
            Tongue: The only Auburn I know has a rivalry with Alabama.
            Hell Kat: You’re an idiot.

Eye Color: Green like Kitten’s.
            Hell Kat: Look at that, genetics at work. Too bad you didn’t get my brains.
            Tongue: I don’t need your brains, I’ve got my own. And my brains won’t let me run headfirst into a firefight just so I can get myself stabbed.
            Hell Kat: That’s because your brains are a bunch of cowards.
            Tongue: No, my brains just heed the advice of my self-preservation instinct.
            Hell Kat: So, your brains would let Shooter get killed?
            Tongue: No, I just wouldn’t end up getting stabbed in the process.
            Hell Kat: My brains can still kick your brains’ ass.

Height: 6’2”
            Tongue: What? No idiotic response.
            Hell Kat: Nope.
            Tongue: Good.
            Hell Kat: Except that you’re actually 6’1 ½”
            Tongue: No, I’m not.
            Hell Kat: Yes you are.

Weight: 180, solid muscle.
            Hell Kat: Hey, do you still do that thing where you stand in front of the mirror flexing in your tighty whities?
            Tongue:  I don’t know what you’re talking about.
            Hell Kat: Sure you do. Remember, with the He-Man underwear and you’re all trying  to look tough in the mirror. I think I have pictures somewhere.
Tongue: I hate you right now.

Motto: Come after me, and I’ll sick my sister on you.
            Hell Kat: That is the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.
            Tongue: You’re welcome.

Distinguishing Marks: None.
            Hell Kat: Not true! You have that scar on your right butt cheek where you sat on a lit fire cracker.
            Tongue: As I recall, you put the fire cracker under my butt.
            Hell Kat: *laughing* I know. You cried like a little girl.
            Tongue:  I really hate you right now.

Favorite Weapon: My tongue. Words are powerful.
            Hell Kat: Please don’t embarrass me. Your tongue, really, that’s what you're going with?
            Tongue: Unlike some people, I try to avoid death and dismemberment.
            Hell Kat: You mean unlike cool people.
            Tongue: Yeah, all the cool kids are engaging in torture these days.
            Hell Kat: Please change your answer.
            Tongue:  No.
            Hell Kat: You suck.

Best Friend: Shooter.
            Hell Kat: What’s all this man love for Shooter?
            Tongue:  Uh, he’s only the best friend a guy could ever have.
            Hell Kat: Yeah, well he’s not available so keep it zipped up.
            Tongue:  Not a problem.

Worst Enemy: Right now, my sister.
            Hell Kat: I take it back, that is the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.
            Tongue:  Shut up, I’d like to get this over with.

Last Song Played On My iPod: Savin’ Me by Nickelback.
            Hell Kat: Are you sure?
            Tongue: Yeah.
            Hell Kat: OK, but I heard you singing Bootylicious in the gym this morning.
            Tongue: No you didn’t.
            Hell Kat: Yes I did.
            Tongue: No, you didn’t.
            Hell Kat: Whatever, we both know the truth.

Favorite Movie: Saving Private Ryan
            Hell Kat: Lame
            Tongue: How is that movie lame?
            Hell Kat: Everyone says Saving Private Ryan. It’s lame because it’s everyone’s favorite movie.
            Tongue: No one else has said Saving Private Ryan.
            Hell Kat: Yeah, because they all know it’s a lame answer.
            Tongue:  Please, please shut up.

Favorite Quote:  “All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.”        -Winston Churchill
            Tongue: Does that meet with your approval, mistress?
            Hell Kat: I’m just really stunned that you’d say something so cool.
            Tongue: Sometimes I even surprise myself.

Last Facebook Post: If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur.
            Hell Kat: You’re so stupid.
            Tongue: Careful, we share the same gene pool.
            Hell Kat: I know, and I‘d consider it a personal favor if you’d stop pissing in it.

Ten things you should know about Me:

10. I have never played with dolls. Kitten, on the other hand, used to have a HUGE doll collection. Kind of creepy.
            Hell Kat: Are you trying to lose a limb?

9. I was born with perfect teeth. Kitten had to wear headgear 24 hours a day for an entire year. I have pictures. They are for sale.
            Hell Kat: I have a whole swamp of alligators I can feed you to.

8. I passed my driving test on my first try. Kitten had to retake it, three times.
            Hell Kat: So, lots of people fail their driving test.

7. The first time I shot a gun I hit the bullseye. The first time Kitten shot a gun, she didn’t release the trigger. She had an imprint of the hammer from a .357 magnum embedded in her forehead for days.
            Hell Kat: I hate you. I seriously hate your freaking guts.

6. I paid my best friend in high school to take Kitten to the prom.
            Hell Kat: NO YOU DIDN’T!!
            Tongue: Yes, I did.

5. I am a better cook than Kitten. She can’t prepare cheese and crackers without help.
            Hell Kat: When have I ever needed to cook?

4. In junior high I broke up a fight between Kitten and Becky Sever. Becky was unharmed, Kitten had a broken nose and two black eyes.
            Hell Kat: She was like some sort of mutant giant girl and I was fourteen!

3. I am a real soldier. Kitten is a thug.
            Hell Kat: Yeah, well this thug is about to kick your soldier ass.

2. I can speak several languages. Kitten only speaks pain.
            Hell Kat: If you speak it well, it’s the only language you need.

1.  I placed a bet that I-don’t-need-anybody-Hell Kat wouldn’t be able to live without Shooter for more than three months. I won.
            Hell Kat: Oh you are so gonna die!
            *Hell Kat attacks.*

I will take this as my cue to leave.

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