Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Martinez Interview

Today I interview the newest Rat Bastard. Martinez must do what the other Rat Bastards tell him to do. He doesn’t mind, he loves them.

Martinez: Sorry to keep you waiting Harper. Horndog was making me pose in a dress so Sissy could paint my portrait.

Me: Was this Sissy’s idea?

Martinez: No. It was Horndog being Horndog.
Me: That boy torments you! How do you not haul off and hit him?

Martinez: I’d put up with anything to be a Rat Bastard.

Me: Why?

Martinez: Because a Rat Bastard saved my life before I was a Marine.

Me: Let me guess, it was Shooter.

Martinez: Yes ma’am. Saved my life in every literal sense.

Me: Why doesn’t that surprise me? How long have you been a newbie Rat Bastard?

Martinez: About a year.

Me: Any idea when the hazing will end?

Martinez: No ma’am. That’s part of the torture, not knowing when it will end.

Me: I’m really glad I’m only an honorary Bastard. I don’t think  I could handle the constant persecution.  Why did you join the Marines in the first place?

Martinez: It was either that or die.

Me: Are you going to elaborate on that?

Martinez: No ma’am. I’ll fill you in when you write my story.

Me: Ugh! You know some times I really hate waiting for all of you to fill me in on your pasts. You asked me to write your stories. It would be helpful if you let me in on a few details.

Martinez: But where’s the fun in that?

Me: Whatever. Moving on. Your story is up next. Are you nervous?

Martinez: *Squirms in his seat* No. I know you’ll do me right. But if you paint my M*** (name removed) to be anything but an angel, they’ll never find all your pieces.

Me: Come on! Give me some credit! I know her. I wouldn’t disrespect her.

Martinez: I just want to be clear.

Me:  Oh, you’re pretty damn clear. How can I write her any other way? Geez! Moving. On. What is your specialty within the Rat Bastards?

Martinez: You mean other than bitch. I’m an expert in close quarters combat. I carry a rifle, but I don’t need it to kill you.

Me: Have you actually killed someone with your bare hands?

Martinez: Yes ma’am.

Me: How did you deal with that?

Martinez: There wasn’t anything to deal with. He was trying to kill Switch. Switch had been wounded pretty bad and couldn’t fight the guy off. I killed him. It was right to kill him. I have no problem sleeping at night.

Me: Have you ever lost a fight?

Martinez: Hah! Just one.

Me: Who did you lose to?

Martinez: A woman with a bad attitude and some serious skill.

Me: Hell Kat?

Martinez: No, I’ve never fought Hell Kat. Shooter won’t let me. It was someone very much like Hell Kat.

Me: Oh, her.

Martinez: Yes, her.

Me: All righty then, moving on. Do you find it difficult working for Hell Kat?

Martinez: *A smile stretches across his face* No ma’am. Hell Kat might be a tough as nails bitch some times, but she’s actually pretty sweet. She just proves how sweet she is by kicking some dude’s teeth in who might have offended you. She uses her powers for good.

Me: Horndog doesn’t think so.

Martinez: That’s because Horndog is on Hell Kat’s shit list. The key to surviving a relationship with Hell Kat is staying the hell off that list.

Me: You stay on her good side well enough.

Martinez: Yes ma’am. I’d like to keep my nuts intact. When Hell Kat says fire, I ask which caliber.

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