Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Switch Interview

Switch is the ornery Rat Bastard. His mind and body have been honed to kill. He can kill easily and without remorse. Despite his cold demeanor, he also has a very protective nature, especially when it comes to children. Harm a child in front of Switch and he will make sure it takes you days to die. It is for this reason that Hell Kat appointed him her daughter’s bodyguard.

*Author’s note: Switch refuses to leave Samantha unattended. This interview is being conducted in her bedroom while she plays Mario Cart.*

Me:  Good afternoon Switch.

Switch: Ma’am.

Me: So, do you ever play Mario Cart with Sam?

Switch: Most of the time.

Samantha: Switch, they keep running into me.

Switch: This won’t take long sweetheart. I’ll come and help you in a minute.

Me: Help?

Switch: I keep the other cars from running into her.

Me: You’re even her bodyguard in the virtual world.

Switch: I watch over Samantha everywhere.
Me: No offense, but I’d hate to be her prom date.

Switch: Why? The rules and consequences will be clearly stated. He will show her respect, dance with her, treat her like a princess, and bring her home in the same condition she left it in. Failure to follow any of these rules will result in a slow painful death. I already have a spot picked out for the grave.

Me: Seems fair. What’s your favorite thing to do with Samantha?

Switch: She likes to play princess and ride on my back like a pony. It makes her the happiest so it’s my favorite. *He says this with the same level of menace he uses when promising to kill someone*

Me: Have you ever wanted children of your own?

Switch: No.

Me: Why not?

Switch: I’d have to have a relationship with a woman to have children. Women make you sloppy.

Me: Yes, but you’re a man. Don’t you have a biological itch that only a woman can scratch?

Switch: There are a lot of women with that same itch. We scratch and part ways.

Me: Wow, you can really be a bast….

Switch: Watch your mouth around Samantha Harper!

Me: Sorry. I forgot. *I clear my throat and pause for a moment to allow the tension to diffuse a bit* You seem like a lone wolf. Why did you become a Rat….well, you know?

Switch: I had no choice really. I was assigned to their team. I became one of them because I’d get more chances to kill people who needed to die.

Me: Do you enjoy killing people?

Switch: Yes. I only kill people who need  to be killed. I’m doing the world a service.

Me: You aren’t like Shooter. You don’t have the luxury of killing someone from hundreds of yards away. You kill up close. What’s it like to see the life flicker out of someone’s eyes?

Switch: What do you mean?

Me: Does it bother you to see someone alive one second and dead the next?

Switch: No.

Me: How do you detach from something like that?

Switch: I don’t detach. I am very much connected to the people I kill. They need to die and I facilitate that death. What’s it like for you to delete a page after you’ve written something that sucks? It’s the same way when I kill someone.

Me: Does Samantha know that you kill people?

Switch: Yes.

Me: Did you tell her?

Switch:  No, Hell Kat did.

Me: Do you mind if I ask her a few questions?

Switch: If it’s OK with her, it’s OK with me. But if you ask her anything inappropriate, I’ll throw you out the window. Capiche? *I nod* Sam-i-ami, Miss Harper would like to ask you a few questions. Is that OK?

*Samantha puts down the controller. She jumps on Switch’s lap. He kisses her head and sends me a glare that clearly says he’ll have no problem fulfilling his promise*

Me: Thanks for answering my questions Sam.

Samantha: I don’t mind. I like you.

Me: Thanks. I like you to. Do you like Switch?

Samantha: No. I love Switch. He’s my best friend.

Me: Switch goes to school with you? *She nods* Do you like him going to school with you?

Samantha: Yes, but Miss Julia doesn’t like him there.

Me: She doesn’t?

Samantha: Nope. She tells him all the time that he’s a distru…a distera….what’s she call you Switch?

Switch: A distraction.

Samantha: That’s right a disteraction. They aren’t friends.

Me: What do you think Switch would do if anyone hurt you?

Samantha: Oh, he’d kill them.

Me: Does that scare you?

*Samantha snuggles against Switch*

Samantha: No. He keeps me safe. My mom said he’d never hurt me but he’d hurt anyone who tried to hurt me. I don’t like to get hurt and I don’t like to be scared. 

Me: It seems like you really do love Switch.

Samantha: I do. And he loves me. He said so.

1 comment:

  1. OMG that was sooo good but way too short!!! I want more!!!