Horny Wednesday

Remind me never to give Horndog access to my blog again. He thinks he’s a brilliant blogger now. He wants his own freaking day!! Can you believe that? I’m giving in. Every Wednesday Horndog will be a guest on my blog. Why did I give in? I want to see him crash and burn. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Horndog.

Good morning my minions!! OK, it’s more like afternoon but that’s not my fault. Harper wouldn’t let me post without her approval so I had to wait for her to get home from getting her nails done. They look great by the way, red with sparkles. Gots  to love a woman with long red nails. There is nothing better than feeling a woman claw into your…..sorry, I got side tracked. Anyway, here’s my first Horny Wednesday post. (I really hope she doesn’t edit that out)

I love women. I love all women. They could be short, tall, thin, curvy, it doesn’t matter I love them all. They’re all a gift from God. I don’t understand why some women are single. I don’t care what you look like, every woman has a mysterious power over men in general. When a woman focuses that power and unleashes it on one man, that man has absolutely no hope. You see, I’m a man, and as a man I know that I am completely helpless when a woman bats her eyes at me. Her mother could be a cave troll but if that woman makes me think she’s going to let me into the holy of holies, I’m all hers.

The  problem is women have  completely unrealistic standards. They all dream of a knight in shining armor riding in on a white war horse, the knight picking that woman up with one hand, throwing her on the back of his saddle, and riding off into the sunset. Here’s the problem with that. If a guy actually did that, most women would look at him and say, “Seriously. What? Are you larping?” Then the guy would feel totally emasculated and left wondering where he went wrong. I’ll tell you where he went wrong. He went wrong when he bought that damn suit of armor and rented the freaking horse!! He should have just walked up to the girl at work and said, “Hey, you wanna get a drink after work?” Does he do that? NO! You want to know why? Because he knows you have these completely ridiculous fantasies! In his mind he thinks he has to pull off some sort of taking the one ring to Mt Doom epic quest just to get you to notice him.

Once you do actually give the poor guy a chance he thinks he has to make your life a romantic comedy starring Meg Ryan. He thinks he has to just know when you’ve had a crappy day without you saying a word. He thinks he has to guess what your favorite food is. He thinks he’s supposed to know by the mystic vibes you’re giving off if it’s OK for him to kiss you. So the whole time he’s trying to read your mind and he’s just hoping and praying that your mind isn’t speaking Wookie.

It’s not easy ladies. You’re always talking about men not sharing their feelings. You want to know why they don’t share their feelings. They’re to freaking busy trying to decode yours! We know that we get one chance, one chance to trick you into going to bed with us. And trust me, that IS every man’s ultimate goal. If we screw up that one chance, if we pick the wrong restaurant, we know we’re going to be in the penalty box for at least four more dates. You think you have it rough trying to decide which dress shows just the right amount of cleavage to say you’re giving him a shot but you’re not showing him all the goods at dinner. Try sitting across from that! Throw us a bone ladies! Have the balls to just come right out and say what you want. It’s simple, you say, “Horndog, I don’t like you and I don’t dislike you. I’m willing to give you a chance. I like flowers. I hate teddy  bears. I like Chinese. I hate Italian. You won’t get lucky on the first date, but if I go out with you few more times you probably will.” It’s that easy. No one gets hurt. No one is making wild ass guesses. No one goes home thinking they were wronged by the love gods. And guys don't waste three months salary on medieval battle wear. 

Horndog out.