Horny Wednesday

Ladies, ladies, ladies, I know you all want me, but I don’t have time to satisfy all of you. I am only allowed to answer one question a week. Now calm down, calm down. That isn’t my rule, you can blame Harper. She’s the one who has basically cut me off at the knees. I can’t answer more than one question, I can’t post naked pics of myself on her Facebook page, I can’t make Sissy think she’s discovered heaven, Nirvana, and the lost city of El Dorado in one night. Harper is a total buzz kill. 

Alright this week’s question comes from a lovely little turtle dove I like to call Miss The-Girl-Every-Dude-Hates or Miss TGEDH for short. I imagine this letter sounding like a Valley girl who’s been huffing helium.

Dear Horndog,

I met this guy the other night who I really like but I don’t want him to know I like him as much as I do. He’s really sweet and super nice, but I don’t want to act too eager. He called me the morning after we met. He didn’t wait the socially acceptable two days before calling me so I didn’t answer. He left a really nice message. He called me again that afternoon and I didn’t answer for the same reason I didn’t answer his call that morning. He left another really sweet message. Then he called me later that night and I didn’t answer, it had only been twenty four hours, but this time he didn’t leave a message. He didn’t call me the next day, which I thought was seriously rude and breaking all social protocols, so I thought about calling him. I didn’t because the girl should be the chased not the chaser.  So he hasn’t called me at all since that first day and that really pissed me off so when I saw him at the store a few days ago I totally ignored him. He’s the one who didn’t call me after all. He sent me a Facebook friend request and I haven’t responded to it yet because I didn’t want to appear to be so desperate I approve every friend request the second it pops up on my page. Anyway, we were at the same restaurant last night, we were both totally alone and he didn’t ask me to join him or anything. Can you believe that?! He just sat there! He couldn’t even make eye contact with me. How rude! I’m seriously considering not giving him another chance. What do you think? Should I give him a second chance?

Sincerely,

Girl who doesn’t want to look desperate

Dear Miss The-Girl-Every-Dude-Hates,

What. The. Hell. Your letter made me feel like I was drowning in a sea of stupidity and Bath and Body Works Butterfly Garden shower gel. You admit in the first damn sentence that you like the guy. He obviously likes you. If he didn’t he wouldn’t have called you. Not answering his call just because some archaic rule tells you it’s too soon is not only retarded on a whole new level of retarded, you’re also signing your own relationship death warrant. Do you have any idea how freaking difficult it is to nut up enough courage to press seven digits into a phone’s keypad? And that guy managed to do it three damn times. You don’t deserve this guy. You said he was really sweet and really nice. Really sweet and really nice guys get shit on all the time by uptight sorority sisters like you. Give him a second chance? Honey, you didn’t give him a first chance and YOU don’t deserve the second chance. One day the universe will pay you back for the crap you dished out to that guy. And when that day comes I hope your five o’clock shadow is so dark and thick Gimli the Dwarf will be jealous.

Sincerely,

Horndog

PS Just to be clear, you screwed up here. You are an idiot.