Good morning Harperites. This is Horndog. Harper is going out of town with her adorable little girl for a few days. She doesn’t want the hassle of worrying about her blog so she has asked me to fill in. Naturally she gave me a list of rules and topics and themes that I threw in the trash without reading. I’m not following any of her stupid rules because she decided not to take me to Disneyland. All I’ve ever wanted, since I was just a hornpuppy, was to go to Disneyland and have my picture taken with Jasmine and her amazing cans. Harper goes to Disneyland all the damn time and has never once taken me. Payback’s a bitch Harper. Katie Harper Writes is about to go awesome.
Right so, you know how she likes to make all of us fill out those stupid character bios. She has never posted hers. She’s never even filled one out. I think her fans would like to know what her favorite quote is. Since she is unavailable for consultation I will take it upon myself to tell the world all about Miss Harper.
Bio: Katie Harper was raised with a tribe of brothers and one sister. Her brothers lived their lives in terror that she would bludgeon them to death in their sleep. She grew up, got married, had a kid, her husband died, she went crazy, and started writing. That’s it.
Character Bio Questionnaire
Name: Katharine Lyn Harper, at least that’s what she says. I think it’s really Dominque, Empress of Pain, but that’s just me.
Rat Bastard Name: Most people call her Katie. But she is the original Hell Kat. Her grandfather started calling her Hell Kat when she was 12 and had just entered that stage in every girl’s life when grown men cross their legs and cower in fear. I’m not making this up people. That’s the truth
How did you get your Rat Bastard name? She’s responsible for rupturing the testicles of more than a few men. Some have required surgery.
Occupation: It’s not really a job. She sits around all day talking to imaginary people who live in her head. Schizophrenia doesn’t pay well, but it beats making fries for a living.
Relationship Status: She’s a widow. A smokin’ hot widow! But be careful, she bites, hard.
Age: Chronologically 32. Mentally 13 year old boy whose just discovered his brother's Playboy collection.
Hair Color: Depends on how often she gets to the salon. If she goes every six weeks, it’s dark auburn. If she misses an appointment it’s the color of strong iced tea, not cute.
Eye Color: Brown, because she’s full of shit.
Weight: If you think I’m going to broadcast this information to the entire blogosphere you’re an idiot and you deserve everything she’ll do to you.
Motto: If it floats through my mind, you’ll read about it on Facebook. *Seriously folks, have you seen how much freaking time she wastes on Facecrack. Shooter's ready to stage an intervention*
Distinguishing Marks: She has a scar on her left forearm. She really wants a tattoo that says “Horndog is sexy” on her face, but her mom won’t let her get it.
Favorite Weapon: Her keyboard, but if that doesn’t work she has no problem shooting you.
Best Friend: Horndog. She wishes I wasn’t a figment of her imagination. She knows I hold an advanced degree in the carnal arts. She lays awake at night dreaming of me. *sigh*
Worst Enemy: Stupid people. And idiots. And people who can’t figure out the self check out at Vons. And people who drive slow on the freeway. And people who don’t watch their kids at the park. And….you know what most of the people on the planet. They need to die.
Last Song Played On My iPod: Days Like This by Van Morrison. Harper actually has pretty great taste in music. Except the whole 80’s pop crap she likes to shriek in the shower. If I have to hear one more off key rendition of Manic Monday I’m going to ram my foot through her medulla oblongata.
Favorite Movie: Casino Royale or anything else where Daniel Craig is running around half naked. She has to fantasize about someone when I’m not talking to her.
Favorite Quote: “A homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?” –Chelsea Handler. Seriously folks, unless you want her to go all Cruella DeVille on your pets, keep them away from Katie Harper.
Last Facebook Post: You can say anything in a text no matter how mean, as long as you put 'LOL' at the end. ''I hope you die spitting blood! Lol! '' I told you she was mean.
Ten things you should know about Harper:
10. Horndog is her favorite imaginary friend.
9. Horndog is the ultimate badass.
8. Horndog is the sexiest human being every created.
7. She dreams of Horndog every night.
6. Horndog smells better than a fresh baked loaf of sexy.
5. Horndog is perfect in every way.
4. Horndog is gorgeous. She wishes she could be as pretty as Horndog.
3. Horndog just has to walk into the room and all is right with the world.
2. The only reason she won’t write me and Sissy hooking up is because she wants me for herself.
1. She didn’t take me to Disneyland because she wouldn’t be able to keep her hands off me and she doesn’t want to scar the children.