Horndog here. A predator drone didn’t take out the Kat House last night so I guess I’m still responsible for Harper’s blog. Today I’ve asked each one of the Rat Bastards to tell me what they don’t like about Harper. This should be good. I’ll go first!
Horndog: Harper is a giant pain in my ass! You know how when you see a girl from across the room and you make eye contact and then you go to make your move. The girl is quiet and shy and she laughs at all your jokes. That’s exactly what Harper is not. She has no problem telling that guy he’s an idiot and should invest in a less caustic cologne. This chick can be downright mean. Take me and Sissy. She holds the power to write a scene full of hot and heavy panting between the two of us, but will she? NO! And why? Because she and Hell Kat are trying to ruin my life. They want me to be miserable. And in every single story, I’m getting my ass kicked. Usually by a girl. That is not good for my image. Yeah, it’s what happened but does she have to tell the whole damn world that I’m getting my ass handed to me and not getting laid in every book? It’s not cool Harper. Not cool.
Hell Kat: I think Harper is a lovely woman. She doesn’t put up with Horndog’s whining, she represented my Shooter correctly, and she made me likeable. That right there is a damn literary miracle. If I had to complain about one thing, it’s that she didn’t write my fight scenes accurately. When I fight, I don’t hold back. The way she described it you’d think I was worried about not killing someone. I’m never worried about killing someone. I’ve killed enough people to not let a little thing like accidental death get to me.
Martinez: I don’t really have a problem with Harper. She has written me exactly how I am. Quiet. I don’t talk a lot and it’s not because I’m afraid of Horndog. I just don’t say a whole lot unless I’ve got something to say. One thing I would change about my story is that I’d take out the part where I get disarmed by a girl. That was just embarrassing.
Tongue: Oh! I’ve got a bone to pick with Harper. That part where I run through the house being chased by Big Joe then jump into the lake to get away from him. I didn’t jump into the lake to get away from Big Joe, I jumped into the lake because I ran out of dry land. I thought Big Joe would follow me and it would turn into an epic acquatic fight to the death. I didn’t know he was afraid of water. She made me look like a little girl. That’s not how it happened. But other than that I think she’s great!
Doc: I love Harper. She’s like the sister I never had. I can’t think of anything I don’t like about her. Maybe how she can’t take anything seriously. A guy could have his guts hanging out and she’d probably say something like, “Ew, your last meal was a McRibb? Seriously?” There are just some situations where a compression bandage is worth more than a sarcastic word. But most of the time she’s absolutely hilarious.
Switch: Harper’s one of the only people I don’t want to gut and use as a canoe. She has written me to be kind of a bastard. I’m not a bastard all the time. Well, I can be nice when I want to. I just don’t want to most of the time. Actually, that’s a lie. If you’re name isn’t Samantha Boudreaux, I don’t really give a damn about your feelings.
Shooter: Harper is a complicated woman. One minute she’s telling you how much she loves you and the next she’s kicking you in the gut for hesitating at the self check out. You never have to wonder where you stand with her. She’ll tell you. There’s only one thing that I don’t like about her. I don’t like that she refuses to entertain the idea that she could fall in love one day. She refuses to even explore the possibility. I’m a romantic. I believe everyone has the capability to love and be loved, even Harper. The problem is convincing her that she can.
Thanks a lot you guys!! You all made me look like an ass. I wanted you to dish the dirt on Harper. I wanted something that would make her want to kick the crap out of all of us when she gets home from Disneyland! Now she’s only going to beat the living crap out of me. And maybe Tongue. But mostly me! You all suck!!