HORNY WEDNESDAY!

Good morning Horndoggers! I’ve been absent for the last couple of weeks. Just so you know, pointing out that Hell Kat's aim has been lacking as of late is a guaranteed trip to the hospital with a free colostomy bag.

Here’s today’s helping of neuroses.

Dear Horndog,

My boyfriend and I have hit a rough patch. I’m not a thin woman. I’m soft. Soft is code for, I’ve gained eighty pounds since high school. When we first got together he said all the things any girls wants to hear. He made me feel special. Now, he is always on my case about losing weight. His ex is very skinny, very beautiful. Everything I am not. My face will never grace the cover of a fashion magazine. In fact, I’m the before picture in all those makeover articles. My eyes are mud brown, my body is doughier than a baker’s wife, and my nose has a hump on it. 

Here’s the worst part. He hasn’t touched me in months. He’s never been very passionate, but it’s gotten really bad lately. I thought it might be low testosterone, but the blood tests say he’s fine. I don’t know what to do. I’ve considered plastic surgery, but it’s not a financial possibility for me. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Ugly in Iowa 

 

Dear Beautiful,

First of all, I would NEVER call a woman ugly so I refuse to address you by this name. Second, you are not ugly! I have never seen an ugly woman. All women are beautiful. All a woman has to do is smile, really smile, the kind that reaches her eyes, and I’m smitten. Throw the whole idea of plastic surgery out the window. That hump on your nose is not a flaw. That bump makes you unique. If everyone in the world looked like a Victoria’s Secret model, the world would be a boring, boring place. The hottest women in the world, and I mean real women, not the ones who have access to Photoshop, a team of plastic surgeons, and an esophagus with a bigger erosion problem than the Grand Canyon , have quirks about their appearance. They have big noses, small noses, close set eyes, wide set eyes, thin lips, full lips, bushy eyebrows, non-existent eyebrows, weak chins, and strong jaws. And all of these “flaws” make them gorgeous. Your eyes are not mud. They’re the color of coffee with exactly three drops of cream. Or the color of aged Cognac. Or the color of a fawn’s coat. Eyes are never ugly. Joy, sorrow, happiness, heartache, wonder, mischief, amazement, lust, anger, disappointment are all told through the eyes. Any organ that can give that much insight into a woman’s soul is not ugly. Period.

Now, about the weight. What is your guy’s problem! I’m a man. Trust me, I checked this morning and I'm all man. I don’t know a man with a functioning prostate that would choose a pile of bones over something he can grip with both hands and take for a ride. No one wants to wrap their arms around their woman and get an arm full of rib. You know when a man wraps himself around you and lays his head on your chest. Well, who the hell would want to do that with a pile of sticks? Soft is good. Soft is warm. Soft is something you can press yourself into. Soft is perfect.

I’m gonna bottom line it for you. DUMP THIS GUY! He’s a jerk who doesn’t know what he has. I’ll bet a million dollars you didn’t feel this bad about yourself before you started hooking up with him. I’m sure you wanted to change a few things, everyone does, but were you considering going under the knife before him? Probably not. You need a man who will love you for you. They’re out there. For every douche, there are five dudes who would treat you the way you deserve to be treated. The problem is, these guys usually have a hard time getting to know women. They’re nice. They don’t want to say the wrong thing. You might have to make the first move. Do it! What’s the worst that could happen? He could laugh in your face. Well, you’ve just met someone you don’t want to be with. What’s the best that could happen? He could say yes. You could fall in love, get married, and spend the next few years making babies. Totally worth the risk.

Sincerely,

Horndog

PS Send me your number. I know tons of guys who’d love to get to know a soft woman with gorgeous eyes and a cute nose.

Horndog is a Rat Bastard from the upcoming novel,

Never Say Just.

He dispenses relationship advice to the clueless and delusional.

Want him to answer your question?

Email him at HorndogRocks@Gmail.com.