Wednesday, January 18, 2012

HORNY WEDNESDAY!

Good morning Horndoggers. Last week I was accused of not being Horndoggy enough. I gave a woman in a bad relationship advice about leaving her jerk of a boyfriend. Here's the deal, I love women. I love all women. I don't care if they're fat, skinny, gorgeous, quirky, blond, brunette, or any mixture of the above. I would NEVER advise a woman to stay in an abusive relationship. Being told your fat or ugly is emotional abuse. And I won't stand for that. Period. If a woman is in that situation, not only will I tell her to leave because she can do soooooo much better, I'd love the chance to hunt the asshole down who's been abusing one of God's gifts to the Earth and beat the crap out of him. Or unleash Hell Kat on him. Either way, someone's getting bloody.

Now, let’s just jump right in to this week’s letter.


Dear Horndog,

My boyfriend and I have a bit of a problem. He thinks I’m not adventurous….you know….in the bedroom. He wants me to do things I’m not comfortable with. It’s nothing too kinky, it just isn’t what I’m used to. I think our love life is just fine, but he thinks it needs some spice. He wants cayenne. I’m happy with vanilla. How do I make him understand this?

Sincerely,
Vanilla



Dear Vanilla,

I noticed that in your very short letter you never said the word sex and did not actually say what vanilla or cayenne is. Face it, you’re uncomfortable with sex. I get it. I really do. Sex is incredibly intimate. And I mean intimate in the emotional sense. You have to trust someone completely. You have to trust that the person you’re about to get naked in front of isn’t going to point and laugh. Then you have to trust that they aren’t going to do anything that a good shower won’t wash off or lead to months of therapy bills. And in the morning, you have to trust that your epic tale of sheet tango won’t be shared with everyone on Facebook. Trust me, I get it. But that doesn’t mean your boyfriend isn’t right.

First off, how do you know you won’t like something if you don’t try it? Maybe no one told you, but sex is supposed to be fun. I don’t know what your current routine is, but it sounds like you need to change things up a bit. Whether that’s doing it with the lights on or swinging from the rafters with your legs wrapped around his head, you need something new. Decide which of his requests is the least likely to send you running to a convent and try it. If that goes well, try the next thing.

Think of your sex life as a trip to Disneyland. Do you really just want to sit around and watch parades all day or do you want to tackle the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror? Even if you don’t jump feet first into the death drop that is the Tower of Terror, you would want to at least ride the carousel. Take it slow if you have to, but take it somewhere! You never know, you might have a tiger living inside the body of a kitten. Tigers need to hunt, let yours out once in a while.

Sincerely,

Horndog


Horndog is a Rat Bastard from the upcoming novel,
Never Say Just.
He dispenses relationship advice to the clueless and delusional.
Want him to answer your question?
Shoot him an email at 
HorndogRocks@Gmail.com.


6 comments:

  1. Dear Katie, my SO is afraid of heights and she won't climb up on a dresser and jump off on my face. What should I do, buy her a step ladder?

    Sis, you are too funny and in this case you are right on target. A little variety and Louisiana hot-sauce in the bedroom just makes everything taste better. In fact, thanks to you and my friend Michele Hope - I've gotten past my hangup with toes by using peanut butter.

    By the way, what did you Mother have to say about this Blog post?

    ReplyDelete