HORNY WEDNESDAY!

Good Morning Horndoggers!! Guess what? Today is Harper’s birthday!! She really, really hates the Happy Birthday song so make sure you sing it to her today. 

This morning’s edition of Horny Wednesday is a bit different. A guy needs advice. I use the term 'guy' loosely. He's a whiny little bitch, but dudes need love too. I guess.

Horndog,

So I’m in a relationship with this woman. She’s eight years older than I am, hot as hell, and totally married. Like really married. She says she loves her husband and would never leave him. She just uses me for sex. At first I was cool with just sex. Now, I want a commitment from her. I want her to choose me. I’ve talked to her about it and she refuses. She’s coming over tonight. What should I do?

Sincerely,

The Other Man

Dear Other Man,

Dude. Seriously. Seriously? SERIOUSLY!? You’re bitching because a beautiful woman wants to use your body for her own personal playground. What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you sure you’re a man? I want you to stand up and do a check. Just real quick….for me…make sure you own a pair. You do? Damn, I did not see that coming. I don’t know what to say. I can’t in good conscience advise you to change anything about your relationship. It goes against man code. I’m going to have to treat you like a woman. Yes, there are different standards for men and women. Deal with it. So from here on out I’m going to call you the Other Woman and refer to your cougar as a he.

Dear Other Woman,

You are an idiot. How can you not see that you are just a carnival ride to this guy and you’re handing out free tickets? He will never give you what you want. If he wanted to be with you, he’d make the effort. You can make all the excuses in the world. It’s the money. It’s the family. He’s not ready to leave her but one day he will. No. That’s all bull shit. If he wanted to be with you all that wouldn’t matter. He’d find a way to be with you. I don’t care if his wife has the ability to unhinge her jaw and swallow him whole, he’d leave her if he wanted to be with you. That’s it no real mystery.

If you want commitment, don’t sleep with married men. They obviously have a problem with that. Let’s say he eventually leaves his wife, what makes you think he won’t cheat on you? You know he has no problem fooling around. The fact is, you’d never be able to trust him completely. You’d always know that he has someone else. When you start as a side dish, you’ll never be the entrée. Period.

Sincerely,

Horndog

Now, Other Man, hand over your man card, dive into a tub of Ben and Jerry’s, and take a handful of Midol because you’re as manly as a Barbie doll. The only way you can come back from a letter like that is to grow some chest hair, kill something bigger than you are, and start a fire with your teeth.

Horndog is a Rat Bastard from the upcoming novel,

Never Say Just.

He dispenses relationship advice to the clueless and delusional.

Want him to answer your question?

Shoot him an email at 

HorndogRocks@Gmail.com.