Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Meet Martinez!!!

Bio: Martinez is the newest member of the Rat Bastards. He’s a probationary Rat Bastard which means he has not earned a name yet. Martinez is the name of the Rat Bastard who was killed in combat who he replaced. He doesn’t get his own name until he earns one. Martinez has to endure hazing on a Marine Corps level. He is not allowed to speak unless spoken to, he has to do the bidding of all initiated Rat Bastards, he is not allowed to drink alcohol until he is initiated. Absolutely anything a Rat Bastard may want, it is his responsibility to provide. Martinez specialty is close quarters combat. He kills most efficiently with his own two hands.

Since Martinez is basically the team’s bitch, he is not permitted to fill out his own bio. Horndog has graciously offered to do it for him.

Character Bio Questionnaire

Name:  Nancy McSissyboy

Rat Bastard Name: I cried like a little girl when I found out the best Bastard name had already been taken. Horndog gets all the ladies, all the cool names, all the cherry assignments, he’s pretty much my idol in every way. I’d pay to be Horndog’s bitch, but he won’t take me.

How did you get your Rat Bastard name?  I will never be worthy of a Rat Bastard name. Excuse me for a minute. I need to get a tissue to sop up all these tears.

 Occupation: Laundress, waitress, maid, human shield.

Relationship Status: The one I want won’t have me. Why Horndog, why do you deny me?

Age: 295 months

Hair Color: Dark brown. You know, the color of a blood clot when it dries in the sun.

Eye Color: Purple, I’m 80% fairy.

Height: Two inches shorter than the giraffe at the zoo.
Weight: I’m around 280, but I wish I looked more like Horndog. Horndog has a perfect body.

Motto: If it cries, cuddle it.
Distinguishing Marks:  I have the cutest little dimples ever!

Favorite Weapon: I would NEVER touch a weapon. Weapons are icky.

Best Friend: I don’t have friends, but I do have people I stalk.

Worst Enemy: Spiders! They come after me all the time. I have to call Horndog to kill them. He never comes.

Last Song Played On My iPod: It’s Raining Men by The Weather Girls

Favorite Movie: A Boyfriend for Christmas

Favorite Quote: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. -Unknown

Last Facebook Post: Can anyone bring me some Midol?

Ten things you should know about Me:

10. I shave every hair off my entire body every day.
9. Heels make my legs look sexy.

 8. I look like an upside down triangle. I wish I had a Marilyn Monroe figure.

7. I earn extra money testing breast implants.

6. I get my roots done every month.

5. I can put down an entire pan of brownies in under thirty minutes when I’m PMSing.

4. I cry at weddings, funerals, births, and at the opening of the Nordstrom Semi-Annual Shoe Sale.

3. Spanx are my best friend.

2. I have crocheted a sweater for every single Rat Bastard in a shade that best brings out their eyes.

1. I buy all my unmentionables at Victoria’s Secret.


  1. Thanks Katie, for the laugh. It was much needed :)

  2. MARTINEZ es tan hermosa!
    Me gustan los hombres CALIENTES! gracias!