Thursday, July 7, 2011

Shooter's Interrogation

Today I’m letting the Rat Bastards take over the blog to interview Shooter, the hero of Never Say Just. The Rat Bastards respect Shooter more than any other person on the planet. That said, they would like to ask their fearless sniper a few questions. Shooter is quiet, reserved, and nothing ever fazes him. Let’s see if he can keep his cool when the Bastards shine a naked light bulb in his face.

*The Rat Bastards are assembled in the Kat House’s library. Shooter does not show any sign of discomfort.*

Horndog: All righty then, who’s first? I went first last time. Who wants to go first today?  *crickets*  Come on, Shooter’s not nearly as scary as Hell Kat. *Shooter smacks Horndog on the back of the head* Fine, if you’re all going to be a bunch of Nancies I’m going. Shooter, you’re known for being Mr. Situational Awareness. I want to know, what exactly distracted you when Hell Kat got stabbed?

Shooter: I wasn’t distracted.

Horndog: Yeah right, two people were able to sneak up on you. If Hell Kat hadn’t broken that guy’s neck, you’d be dead right now AND you didn’t notice till it was too late that, yet another, dude was trying to kill the two of you. Spill Shoot.

Shooter: I wasn’t distracted.

Hell Kat: OK, I’m calling bull shit. We all know you weren’t as focused as you should have been that day. I have the freaking scar to prove it!

Shooter: Fine, I was thinking about how much I’d like to beat some sense into you.

Hell Kat: Ooohhh, we’ll try that later.

Horndog: You do know you’re sick don’t you, Hell Kat?

Hell Kat: Pot meet kettle.

Horndog: Touché.

Switch: All right already! Can we move this along? Samantha’s waiting for me. Shooter, where did you learn to shoot?
Shooter: Boy scouts.

Doc: What?

Shooter: Boy scouts.

Hell Kat: It’s true. He won the Camp Perry National Rifle Competition when he was seventeen.

Horndog: Dude, I didn’t know that.

Shooter: It’s not a big deal.

Horndog: Yes it is! What else don’t I know about you? Do you sing show tunes in the shower? You do, don’t you. You sing I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair in the shower. Hell Kat, confirm or deny.

Hell Kat: Deny.

Horndog: Whatever. I don’t trust either of you right now. *Horndog pouts* Martinez, you’re next.

Martinez: Dog, I hate you.

Horndog: I love you Maritnez. Sometimes we have to force the people we love to do things they may not like so they can grow into better people.

Martinez: I highly doubt you had to do shit like this when you were uninitiated.

Horndog: Trust me Marty, I’m going easy on you.

Martinez: I still hate you. *Horndog blows Martinez a kiss. Martinez picks up a piece of paper reading it verbatim.* Shooter, how big are your biceps? Next to Horndog, you have the sexiest arms I’ve ever seen. What do you do to get them so big and ripped? Can I massage baby oil into your Herculean arms? *Horndog laughs hysterically*

Shooter: Uh, twenty one inches, I think. And Horndog, you’re sick.

Doc: Yes, you are Horndog. Now me. As the team’s medic, I am responsible for the well-being of all the Rat Bastards. My question is, what the hell possessed you to sleep with Hell Kat? You’re making my job exponentially harder.

Hell Kat: Hey!

Shooter: Dude, her brother’s here.

Horndog: You know the rules Shooter. You agreed to them. You have to answer.

Tongue: Please, answer the question. I’d love to hear why you decided to sleep with my sister. 

Shooter: Because she’s smart, tough as nails, and I love her.

Horndog: And she has a completely bangable body!

Shooter: Seriously Dog!

Tongue: Come on man, that’s my sister.

Hell Kat: You’re right Horndog, I do.

Horndog: That’s my girl.

Tongue: All right, all right! Enough about my sister’s bangable body! Shooter, what are your intentions towards my sister?

Hell Kat: Dammit Tyler! You stole my question!

*For the first time Shooter looks uncomfortable*

Shooter: Um, I, well, I don’t know.

Horndog: Liar! I know your internet search history. I know what you’re planning and dude, seriously, are you sure? I mean, this is Hell Kat we’re talking about here.

Hell Kat: Dude, I’m right here. I can hear you.

Shooter: For once in your mother loving life will you please keep your mouth shut Horndog!

Horndog: I’m just saying. Do you know what you’re getting into? I mean, have you actually thought this through? If you have, you need to take that decision on another trip through the rational part of your brain. Do you really want to….

Shooter: Dog, SHUT UP!!

Horndog: I’m just trying to keep you alive man. I’m not going to stand by and watch my best friend be metaphorically castrated by the Disciplinarian of Hell.

*Shooter stands up, grabs Horndog by the throat, and drags him out of the library*

Hell Kat: Wait! You didn’t answer the question!!

1 comment:

  1. ROFL! That was awesome, Katie! Thanks for that :)