Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Meet Buck Stokes

In a word, Buck Stokes is an ass. Buck is the illegitimate descendant of a philandering Boudreaux who died about a hundred years ago. He believes he is entitled to Boudreaux House, Boudreaux Oil, Boudreaux money, Boudreaux influence, and the Boudreaux name. He is so convinced of this that he got a New York judge to legally change his name to Michael Boudreaux. Hell Kat does not acknowledge Buck’s new name and it grates on his every nerve. Whenever he gets the chance he needles Hell Kat about Samantha’s paternity, insinuating that Samantha is not a true Boudreaux and basically calling Hell Kat a cheating whore. At Hell Kat’s husband’s funeral he showed up with a letter of intent informing her that he would be suing for control of the Boudreaux Empire. He tried and failed. Hell Kat has not lashed out violently toward Buck even if that is her go-to response. In the end our girl gets her revenge.

*Author’s note: I hate Buck with a passion, so when he handed in his questionnaire I had to include my two cents. My comments are in parentheses.*

Bad Guy Character Questionnaire:

Name: Michael Boudreaux (No, it’s not. It’s Buck Stokes. I will never call him Michael Boudreaux.)

Occupation: House sitter (Basically he sits around on his ass all day hoping Hell Kat and Samantha burn to death in a tragic car accident.)

Height: 6’2” (In his freaking dreams!! He might be 5’10”, maybe. And that’s only if he’s wearing his mother’s heels.)

Weight: 180 lbs (Closer to a buck fifty. This guy can’t tell the truth unless he’s being tortured.)

Net Worth: $72 billion. (That asshole!! That’s what Hell Kat is worth! He might have $2.32 cents if he searches his mom’s couch cushions for change.)

 Reason for living: To see what is rightfully mine returned. (I’m going to chop off his favorite appendage.)

Crimes you have committed: None, I’ve never done anything wrong. (Nothing except praying for the death of a six year old little girl. The devil has a special place in hell for people like you Buck.)

Why I'm a bad guy: I’m not bad, I’m just misunderstood. (Yes, I misunderstand how you are even alive. It is very difficult for first cousins to breed, but somehow your parents produced you.)

Worst enemy: I have no enemies. (None except a six year old child you’d like to see eaten by alligators.)

Last nice thing I did: I read to the elderly at my family’s rest home. Boudreaux’s are known for being civic minded. (No, Hell Kat is known for being civic minded. You’re known for sucking the life out of old people and stealing their social security checks. And stay out of the Boudreaux Retirement Community!)

Last bad thing I did: I’ve never done anything bad. (Your moral compass is so screwed up I doubt you’re able to find your way home.)

What the Rat Bastards think of Buck:

Tongue: Go to, look up douche bag. You’ll see a picture of Buck.

Horndog: Buck Stokes is on the short list of people I’d like to sew inside a bag with a honey badger, wolverine and Freddy freaking Krueger.

Doc: I’ve bought front row tickets to his execution. I have commemorative t-shirts and hats if you’d like one.
Martinez: I’d like to use his kidneys as a speed bag.

Hell Kat: When it comes to Buck Stokes, the only thing that makes me smile is imagining his very, very painful death.

Shooter: I don’t normally wish ill on anyone, but Buck is special. I wouldn’t mind using my M40 to turn his skull into a cloud of pink mist.

Switch: Buck Stokes has impugned Samantha’s character. One day, very soon, his blood will coat my hands. His internal organs will lay at my feet. And the world will be a better place.

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