Over the past few weeks the Rat Bastards have been giving me crap because they get to interview each other but no one gets to interview me. I told them no one wants to hear from me. They said they deserve answers. Whatever that means. I’m giving in only to shut them up.
*They all start talking at the same time*
Me: Hey, hey!! What’s the rule?
Doc: If we want to talk, we have to take turns.
Me: Good. Now, one at a time.
Horndog: Me first!
Me: Surprise, surprise.
Horndog: Funny. I have a bone to pick with you. I hear my story’s last. Why am I last? People love me. Your fans are going to be pissed if you make me last.
Horndog: Who’s last?
Me: You know.
Horndog: Oh you’ve got to be kidding me!! He gets a story? How the hell does he get a story?
Me: He made his case and I agreed.
Horndog: But, he’s like a cyborg! It is a romance novel right? And he will have a significant other? Damn Harper. He's worse than Switch. It takes a special kind of crazy to get involved with him.
Me: Alright, this discussion is over. It’s rude to talk about people when not everyone knows who you’re talking about.
Doc: I’m next. I love you Miss Harper, we all love you, and we’ve all found the women we want to spend the rest of our lives with. When are you going to find a man?
Me: Doc, for the rest of this interview I am going to refer to you as Mother. I have no need or desire for a Mr. Harper, Mother. Just because I’m single does not mean I’m looking.
Mother: Yeah, but…
Me: Yeah, but nothing. We’ve exhausted the topic.
Horndog: She shut you down, Mother.
Mother: You can shut your big mouth Horndog or I’ll tell everyone about that night at Bagram with the….
Horndog: OK, WHO’S NEXT?
Martinez: I’ll go, and I’d just like to take this moment to thank the gods that Horndog did not give me some stupid question to ask.
Horndog: Crap! I forgot! OK, you have to ask her how old she is and how much she weighs.
Martinez: I’m sorry, but all requests must be submitted in writing. Besides, she has complete control over how I’m perceived. I don’t want to end up impotent in my story.
Martinez: Miss Harper, you know all our secrets. You even know our real names. Do you plan on disclosing those names to the public?
Me: Uh, well, I, um, kind of already have.
*A general cry of outrage spews from the Rat Bastards*
Shooter: Quiet down. Quiet down. HEY SHUT UP AND LET ME TALK!!
*The room goes quiet*
Shooter: I gave her permission to reveal our names only when she writes our own individual stories.
Martinez: You should have asked our permission.
Shooter: Martinez, what does M*** (name removed until book 2) call you? That’s right. How’s Harper supposed to tell your story without revealing your name when your woman calls you by your real name?
Horndog: Suddenly I’m not too sad about being second to last.
Tongue: Stupid tactical move Shooter. I get why it has to be done, but you’re putting us all at a distinct disadvantage. I’ll go next. Miss Harper are you going to tell the world about how D***** (name removed until book 2) kicked my ass. I know she’ll love it and she never lets me forget it, but does the whole world have to know.
Me: Do I have a choice? It is what finally brings the two of you together.
Tongue: Oh this is gonna suck. Why do you hate me?
Me: I could take it out, but then I’d have to eliminate the scene following that one. Do you really want me to get rid of THAT scene?
Tongue: No, no I do not. THAT is totally worth getting my ass kicked by a girl.
Hell Kat: I wouldn’t let D***** (name removed until book 2) hear you call her a girl. That always ends bloody. My turn. Miss Harper, you and I are kindred spirits. What do you say to people who think I am you?
Me: I tell them they’re being ridiculous. I’ve never been a mercenary and I haven’t married an oil Barron.
Horndog: Yeah, but the two of you have a lot of similarities. You’re both widows, single mothers, have dealt with a whole crap load of tragedy and you’re both more volatile than a tanker truck full of nitro glycerin.
Me: I know a lot of women who could fit that description. Besides, Hell Kat hates facial hair, I like it. See we’re totally different.
Horndog: Keep telling yourself that. Maybe one day you’ll believe it.
Me: Check the attitude Switch. I won’t put up with it.
Switch: Yes, ma’am. If you wouldn’t mind, could you tell me why you’ve written me to be such a bastard?
Horndog: Because you are a bastard.
Me: Sit down Switch! I know you Switch and I will write you the way you deserve to be written. You’re book four, I’ll write you with honesty.
Switch: Thank you ma’am.
Shooter: Like always, I’m last. Katie, why do you write?
Me: I started writing because I needed an outlet or I’d start skinning people. Since I have a general dislike for ritualistic murder, I chose to write. Writing saved my life, and the lives of everyone around me.
Horndog: I’m sorry, could you go over the part again where you aren’t Hell Kat.
*I flip Horndog off. He blows me a kiss. I love these guys.*