Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Meet Louise!!

Today we meet Louis LaLourie, the pro-bono whore from Never Say Just. Louise prides herself in being the Southern Belle but really she’s a tramp. She sleeps with anything that can be seduced, drugged, or knocked unconscious. She is extremely jealous of Kat and tries to make her life miserable whenever the two meet. Louise once tried to seduce Kat’s husband. Stephan, being the consummate gentlemen, told her he wouldn’t touch her without a hazmat suit. Really, this woman shouldn’t be allowed out in public. She should be in a leper colony. But that would be cruel to the lepers.

*Author’s note: Since Miss Louise has made Hell Kat’s life a living hell, I’ve allowed her to make a few additions to Louise’s biography. Kat’s comments have been starred.

Character Biography

Name: Louise LaLaurie

Nickname: Everyone just calls me Louise *Or the reason the New Orleans free clinic is so busy*

Occupation: Debutante *Code for whore*

Relationship Status: I am unattached and looking. *She’d screw anything that held still long enough, steal their money, fake a pregnancy, and kidnap a baby from a hospital nursery just to get a second date*

Age: 28 *Yeah, maybe eight years ago*

Hair Color: I am a natural blond. *I didn’t know Redken made that color* 

Eye Color: Blue *They should be yellow. That girl’s liver has had to put in a lot of overtime*

Height: 5’9” *If she’s wearing those clear plastic stripper heels with a six inch stiletto*

Weight: 110 I never allow myself to weigh more than 110. *That’s easy when you survive on a diet of champagne and crystal meth*

Motto: World peace is possible. *Wrong. As long as there’s disease there will never be world peace. As long as you keep sleeping around there will be disease.*

Distinguishing Marks: I’d never mark my body. *Lie. She has a landing strip complete with blinking lights tattooed on her…. comment edited for TV*

Favorite Weapon: My smile. *And her genetically enhanced saber toothed crotch crickets*

Best Friend: There are too many to choose just one. *But the pharmaceutical executives rank pretty high. She is the market for antibiotics and rash creams in the greater New Orleans area*

Worst Enemy: I don’t have any. *That angry mob chasing you down the street with pitchforks and torches because you gave an entire junior high the clap doesn’t count as enemies?*

Last song played on my iPod: Something by The Beetles. *Since she doesn’t know how to spell The Beatles I’m gonna say this is another Louise lie. It was probably Nasty Girl by The Notorious B.I.G.*

Favorite Movie: Sleepless in Seattle. *Really? What about that amateur porn video you starred in with a pig and a sock puppet? That’s not your favorite?*

Favorite Quote: “A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous.” ~Coco Chanel *And here I thought it was “Open 24 hours” ~ A sign hung around Louise LaLourie’s waist*

Last Facebook post: Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. *Another Louise lie. It was “If we slept together between April 7 and July 23 please call the New Orleans Free Clinic. Just tell the nurse your calling about the Louise Strain. She’ll know what to do. Oh, and pass this on to anyone you may have slept with.”*

Ten things you should know about Edna:

10. I am a lady, treat me like one. *If you’re a lady, I’m a polka dotted hippopotamus*

9. If you treat me like a princess, it’s evidence that you were raised by a queen. *So by that logic, you were raised by a whore*


8. To me, marriage is sacred. *So sacred that you hold the world record for sleeping with the most grooms on their wedding day. None of whom were yours*

7. I only wear designer clothing. *I didn’t know Valentino worked in pleather?*

6. I spend a day at the spa every month. *And a day at the doctor’s office every ten days to get a new antibiotic prescription*

5. I only fly first class. *But only if the pilot is gay*

4. I donate to many charities. *Louise, honey, it doesn’t count if you’re paying for your visit at the clinic*

3. I have been invited to every Mardi Gras ball in New Orleans. *As entertainment. Not as a guest*

2. I have everything I could ever want. *Except dignity*

1. I am a very giving person. *That I’ll agree with. You are a giver. You give edited for TV to every junkie and homeless guy in the Quarter*  



3 comments:

  1. *smirking over here* nice interview. Love Kat's interjections. I feel like I need a bath and penicillin just reading about her. Bahahaha

    ReplyDelete
  2. Bahahaha! I love Kat's comments. Great interview.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've just downloaded iStripper, and now I enjoy having the hottest virtual strippers on my taskbar.

    ReplyDelete