Thursday, September 8, 2011

Horndog's Interview!!

It’s the interview you’ve all be waiting for. Horndog seems to be the popular favorite of the Rat Bastards. Today I interview him.

Me: Thanks for sitting down with me today.

Horndog: Why are you sitting all the way over there? I have room right here. *He pats his knee*

Me: I’m good.

Horndog: Suit yourself. You don’t know what you’re missing.

Me: Actually, I do. Remember, I know your secret.

Horndog: Hey! None of that. I have a reputation to uphold.

Me: Don’t worry it’s safe….as long as you behave, it’s safe.

Horndog: You are a sweetheart Harper. *He winks at me. He just can’t help himself*

Me: Yes, yes I’ve heard it all before. Multiple times. You’re charms don’t work on me, remember.  You are the explosives expert of the Rat Bastards. How did you fall into that line of work?

Horndog: Well I’ve been blowing shit up since I was thirteen. The corps noticed I was really good at it when I blew the doors off the female showers at basic. The men thanked me, the corps handed me a brick of C4 and a spool of det cord. The rest is hot, wet, soapy history.

Me: Liar.

Horndog: OK OK!! I got arrested for planting a smoke bomb in my principal’s car. I thought it was a smoke bomb but I had actually made a bomb bomb. The judge gave me two options, jail or the corps. I chose the corps. They recognized my talents and decided to use me.

Me: Remember I know the answer to every one of these questions. If you don’t answer honestly, I will.

Horndog: You suck Harper.

Me: Tell me about Allison.

Horndog: Not cool Harper, not effing cool! I don’t talk about her and you know that! You can be a class A jerk and tell the world about her or you can honor your promise and keep your mouth shut.

Me: OK, we’ll move on, but eventually you’ll have to talk about her.  Let’s talk about something else.  How did you get the name Horndog?

Horndog: I went to Catholic school. I tried to get the nuns to sleep with me. What? I was a horny teenage boy! Something about not having any hope in succeeding was exciting. Sister Mary Francis said, “You are nothing but a horndog!” It stuck. The nuns called me Horndog until I graduated. When I went to basic I said, “Hi, I’m Horndog.” I’ve been Horndog ever since.

Me: You tried to seduce nuns? There is something not right with you boy.

Horndog: That’s what the nuns said. Secretly, they all wanted me.

Me: What is your ideal woman?

Horndog: A writer with a wicked sense of humor. That smokin' hot Valerie Mann who commented on my bio, she's my kinda woman.

Me: Flattery will get you everywhere. This next question I couldn't decide if I was going to actually ask you or not. Then I thought of all the crap you've given Martinez and the stupid questions you made him ask and I decided you needed to be asked this question. Some of your female fans would like to know your horn's dimensions and if you know how to use it. 

Horndog: My horn? What are you.......oh, my horn. Geez Harper,  what kind of women are you hanging out with? How am I supposed to answer that?

Me: Honestly.

Horndog: Well it's bigger than, no, NO! There are just some things you don't ask a man. But do I know how to use it? Hell yeah I know how to use it. I could give you details but I'm a gentleman. I don't like to tell people what the women in my bed cry out. Besides, that would be disrespectful and you know how Shooter is when it comes to respecting women. I don't want to have my ass handed to me thank you very much.

Me: You obviously respect Shooter. Why do you give him so much grief? 

Horndog: Because it’s good for him. Shooter and I have been together since Parris Island. We went through basic together, Force Recon training together, we’ve fought together, bled together. If I can’t give Captain Perfect shit, who can?

Me: Why do you call him Captain Perfect?

Horndog: Because he is. And I’m not kidding. Shooter is perfect in every way. But he doesn’t think he’s perfect. That just makes him more perfect. Chicks really dig that. He could have any woman in the world. He could have every woman in the world on the same damn day, but who does he choose? Hell Kat. The handmaiden of Satan herself. Hell Kat! I mean seriously, Hell Kat!

Me: You don’t like Hell Kat?

Horndog:  Oh I love her. She’s badass. Hell Kat will reach down a guy’s throat and turn him inside out by his balls. She’s the best weapon you can have. I just wouldn’t sleep with her. That woman is lethal. She makes Lorena Bobbitt look like Tinker Belle.

Hell Kat: I heard that Horndog!!!

Horndog: Damn it!! See what I mean she’s everywhere. *Hell Kat walks through the library doors* Shit. I’m toast.

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